Brain On Funk

I look forward to not updating my Tumblr

2011-03-12T16:19:00.003-05:00

Which can be found at docfunk.tumblr.com for ease of ninja-posting a quick caption or two.

January 29th, 2010 Captions

2011-01-30T12:43:00.006-05:00

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January 2nd, 2011 Captions

2011-01-03T05:17:00.007-05:00

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January Preview

2010-12-23T14:00:00.000-05:00

1.1.11

Hornets @ Wizards - While Chris Paul wins the game, John Wall wins the dance-off.

Cavaliers @ Bulls - Dan Gilbert opines that there is nothing to do in Chicago. Adorable.

Warriors @ Heat - Monta Ellis doesn't get all the fuss over the Big Three. He goes 82-0 in NBA2k11 all the time.

Nets @ Timberwolves - Not knowing that one has to raise their hand to have any hope of being passed the ball in the Nets' system, Derrick Favors spends all game essentially running wind sprints.

Thunder @ Spurs - George Hill has been texting a lot lately...

Mavericks @ Bucks - Milwaukee's lack of Point Guard depth finally catches up to them as Brandon Jennings is hospitalized for exhaustion.

Kings @ Nuggets - DeMarcus Cousins is starting a fight tonight, bitches

Grizzlies @ Jazz - Having read too many comic books, Rudy Gay visits and is promptly banned from one of Utah's many toxic waste facilities.

1.2.11

Pacers @ Knicks - In anticipation of Lance Stephenson's homecoming, Larry Bird gets bail money ready.

Hawks @ Clippers - Randy Foye and Jordan Crawford exchange early shot-clock jumpers; phone numbers.

Celtics @ Raptors - Ed Davis finishes with 15 and 15 against the Celtics' frontcourt, by far his least disappointing performance since enrolling at UNC.

Mavericks @ Cavaliers - Dirk drops 55 points. Why yes, Antawn Jamison was starting over JJ Hickson. Why do you ask?

Rockets @ Trail Blazers - Shane Battier's big-ass brain concludes that the key defeating the Blazers is to score more points than they do.

Suns @ Kings - This is Jermaine Taylor's coming out party, but not necessarily in the way you are thinking.

Grizzlies @ Lakers - 2 Gasols, 1 bucket. Gross.

1.3.11

Heat @ Bobcats - Maverick Carter makes a pitch to Stephen Jackson to join LRMR. Jackson declines, citing the fact that he's not fucking retarded.

Warriors @ Magic - JJ Redick commits two atrocities at the same time when he freestyles over the National Anthem.

Timberwolves @ Celtics - Kevin Love begs to stay, but a tearful Danny Ainge is forced to release him back onto the Timberwolves' team bus.

76ers @ Hornets - Elton Brand registers a double-double if you count minutes played.

Rockets @ Nuggets - Much to the disappointment of everyone in attendance, JR Smith doesn't choke anybody.

Pistons @ Jazz - Despite being two years younger, DNA tests conclude that Al Jefferson is Jason Maxiell's father.

1.4.11

Bucks @ Heat - Proving his worth as a role player, Mike Miller casts Curaga on on the entire party.

Spurs @ Knicks - The Knicks ask for Tony Parker in a trade and RC Buford accepts before even hearing what the Spurs will get in return.

Raptors @ Bulls - Marcus Banks blows by Derrick Rose and throws up a perfect floater over the backboard.

Thunder @ Grizzlies - Mike Conley Jr can't possibly be still playing well by now. Tell me he can't.

Trail Blazers @ Mavericks - Jason Kidd and Andre Miller combine for zero made threes.

Hawks @ Kings - Continuing to exceed expectations, DeMarcus Cousins manages to out-scowl Josh Smith 117 to 112.

Pistons @ Lakers - Both teams agree that the worst part of the 2004 Finals was the Black Eyed Peas.

1.5.11

Raptors @ Cavaliers - Joey Graham and Anthony Parker torch their ex-team for 3 reach-in fouls and a charge.

Bulls @ Nets - Kurt Thomas' car stalls on the way to the stadium. Upon closer inspection, Kurt Thomas' tank is empty. Also, his car is out of gas.

Bucks @ Magic - Just when it appears he cannot get more adorable, Jameer Nelson learns to speak.

Wizards @ 76ers - It turns out Yi Jianlian falsified his birth date, and is actually 83 years old.

Spurs @ Celtics - Paul Pierce and Manu Ginobili engineer the first ever non-contact double-flop to a chorus of boos.

Bobcats @ Timberwolves - Finally, the Sebastian Telfair vs Shaun Livingston matchup we've all been waiting for.

Warriors @ Hornets - Chris Paul demands a trade from Right Guard to Old Spice.

Trail Blazers @ Rockets - This is a must-see game for makers of crutches for tall people.

Heat @ Jazz - The Heat are off their game as they had to drive to Idaho to party.

Lakers @ Suns - Someone on BleacherReport compares Steve Blake to Steve Nash in a slideshow. Everybody laughs.

Nuggets @ Clippers - JR Smith sprains his ankle just to get a weed license.

1.6.11

Thunder @ Mavericks - JJ Barea runs around like a chicken with it's head cut off. Also, the chicken is bad at basketball.

Nuggets @ Kings - Tyreke Evans and Ty Lawson race from bucket to bucket. Tyreke wins easily, but then again he was driving 112 mph.

1.7.11

Spurs @ Pacers - Am I seeing things or are there actually six Matt Bonners playing?

Bulls @ 76ers - Carlos Boozer misses a spot while painting on his beard this morning.

Nets @ Wizards - The young Wizards and Nets gather around a campfire to tell spooky Sam Cassell stories.

Raptors @ Celtics - Sonny Weems and Amir Johnson can't stop giggling everytime KG says a naughty word. This, of course, leads to more naughty words.

Rockets @ Magic - Hakeem Olajuwan decimates Shaquille O'Neal.

Trail Blazers @ Timberwolves - Armon Johnson is buried so deep in the Blazers' backcourt that Nate McMillian lets him play garbage time minutes with the Wolves.

Heat @ Bucks - Udonis Haslem is arrested for possession of a diet soda in Wisconsin.

Knicks @ Suns - Amar'e recognizes something familiar about this place, but can't quite put his finger on it.

Cavaliers @ Warriors - Knowing that Mo Williams can't defend the pick-and-roll, Monta Ellis calls for one in the 4th quarter before switching back to an Iso.

Hornets @ Lakers - Embracing hipsterism, Kobe Bryant wears a Luke Walton jersey to the game.

1.8.11

Pacers @ Hawks - Lance Stephenson becomes confused as shit when Zaza Pachulia is introduced as "from Georgia."

Wizards @ Bobcats - Dominic McGuire plays his former team though nobody realizes it, especially not Dominic McGuire.

Bucks @ Nets - Devin Harris and Brandon Jennings discuss playing with slow teammates.

76ers @ Pistons - 76ers: One time Allen Iverson locked himself into a bathroom stall with a trash bag filled with soft tacos just to avoid a training session. Pistons: Oh yeah? One time Allen Iverson got himself banned from a casino.

Celtics @ Bulls - Von Wafer does a nice job of replacing Michael Finley with his ability to sit down and clap (often simultaneously).

Grizzlies @ Thunder - OJ Mayo starts the game 8-for-8 yet finishes 7-for-22.

Magic @ Mavericks - Rick Carlsisle falls asleep watching Multiplicity; makes Dominique Jones, Shawn Marion, and Caron Butler share the court.

Jazz @ Rockets - Responding to criticism of his shirt-jersey, Mark Cuban shows up to the game in sweatpant-shorts.

1.9.11

Kings @ Raptors - Tired of the miscommunication with his teammates, Jerryd Bayless chooses to speak only in profanities.

Warriors @ Clippers - The game is delayed for an hour when Willie Warren refuses to pass the ball to the referee after a timeout. The situation is resolved when Warren is allowed to shoot an errant jumpshot which is then rebounded by the head official.

Timberwolves @ Spurs - Martell Webster shows up with black nailpolish and gauze around his wrists. Clearly he still hasn't mentally recovered from being traded for Luke Babbitt.

Cavaliers @ Suns - Josh Childress doesn't want to call Cleveland economically depressed, but in Greece they would call it "Greece."

Hornets @ Nuggets - Kenyon Martin's bark is worse than his 11 points and 6 rebounds.

Heat @ Trail Blazers - Udonis Haslem is arrested in Portland for not having enough weed.

Knicks @ Lakers - Lamar Odom accidentally open-mouth kisses Eddy Curry, mistaking him for Khloe Kardashian. Again.

1.10.11

Grizzlies @ Bobcats - Unsatisfied with his play, DJ Augustin replaces his 3XL shorts with 5XL shorts. He commits 6 turnovers.

Rockets @ Celtics - Brad Miller is really getting sick and tired of this Shaq shit.

Pistons @ Bulls - Taj Gibson considers having his hands replaced with something more functional like hooks or bottle openers.

1.11.11

Bucks @ Hawks - Brandon Jennings plays the entire game with Skullcandy headphones on. Finishes with 24, 10, and the win.

Pacers @ 76ers - Andre Iguodala has his ankles broken by Danny Granger, Paul George, Dahntay Jones, Paul George (again), Larry Bird, and lastly Pacers' athletic trainer Josh Corbell.

Kings @ Wizards - JaVale McGee and Demarcus Cousins chase a loose ball all the way to Delaware.

Spurs @ Timberwolves - Tony Parker retracts his trade demands upon realizing how much worse things could be.

Suns @ Nuggets - During the 4th quarter with a slim lead, JR Smith chokes at the line. Also, he would miss the crucial freethrows.

Knicks @ Trail Blazers - Ronny Turiaf gets distracted by a squirrel; spends 4 hours chasing it.

Cavaliers @ Lakers - Shannon Brown tries to jump over Dan Gilbert's sense of entitlement; breaks both legs.

1.12.11

Bulls @ Bobcats - Jerry Reinsdorf and Michael Jordan ignore each other for the 180th game in a row.

Mavericks @ Pacers - TJ Ford and JJ Barea both agree that going by their initials makes them sound taller.

Hawks @ Raptors - Brian Colangelo doesn't express any interest in Zaza Pachulia, surprising everyone in at least 3 different nations.

Kings @ Celtics - DeMarcus Cousins yells back at KG, who responds with the "Hold me back" dance until his teammates arrive to actually mock-hold him back.

Grizzlies @ Pistons - Tracy McGrady dunks. Nah just kidding, but could you imagine?

Spurs @ Bucks - So *giggle* how... uh *chuckle*... how is Richard Jefferson working out for you guys? *uproarious laughter*

Magic @ Hornets - The Chris Paul to the Magic trade falls through when the Hornets refuse to take the Epcot Center as part of the deal.

Thunder @ Rockets - Aaron Brooks hits a game winning three and exclaims "Cobra Clutch!" in an attempt to finally have a nickname. It doesn't work.

Nets @ Suns - The Lopez Twins spend all day shopping for Ring Pops.

Knicks @ Jazz - Danilo Galinari scores 22 points without bending over at the waist.

Lakers @ Warriors - Ron Artest decides he needs a catch phrase to shout every time he makes a bucket. He can't decide between "Shots Fired!" or "QUETZACOATL!"

Heat @ Clippers - The Heat are left short-handed after Dexter Pittman eats James Jones, Eddie House, and Kenny Hasbrouck.

1.13.11

Wizards @ Timberwolves - Easily the 3rd best game today.

Magic @ Thunder - Dwight Howard grows jealous of the league's new favorite child, Kevin Durant and tries to stuff him in the dryer during the 3rd quarter.

Heat @ Nuggets - The LeBron vs Carmelo rivalry game would be a lot more exciting if Carmelo was still on the Nuggets.

1.14.11

Bulls @ Pacers - Tom Thibodeau revolutionizes the game when he introduces a Cover 2 defense. Unfortunately, this requires 11 defenders including Cornerbacks that can play the run.

Bucks @ 76ers - Michael Redd tears his ACL playing Nintendo Wii.

Pistons @ Raptors - After a year overseas and half a season with the Raptors, Linas Kleiza has completely forgotten how to speak English.

Bobcats @ Celtics - Sherron Collins and Big Baby hit the Sizzlers pregame… and then again postgame.

Kings @ Knicks - Nepotism is alive and well as Patrick Ewing Jr battles Vlade Divac Jr. Wait never mind, that's just Omri Casspi.

Mavericks @ Spurs - Matt Bonner's quest for the perfect sandwich ends when he discovers the KFC Double Down (because it kills him).

Hornets @ Rockets - Marco Belinelli keeps mistaking Jared Jeffries for Swizz Beatz. Marco would just die for an Alicia Keys autograph.

Cavaliers @ Jazz - The Cavaliers have their only assist of the game rescinded when the court rules against assisted suicide.

Trail Blazers @ Suns - A blood test reveals that Greg Oden is Grant Hill's father.

Clippers @ Warriors - Andris Biedrins is getting sick and tired of Monta Ellis' dick punches. REAL MATURE, MONTA.

Nets @ Lakers - Jordan Farmar throws seven passes to Kobe instinctively. Fortunately, none of the passes reach their intended target.

1.15.11

Rockets @ Hawks - Aaron Brooks and Jeff Teague discuss the banality of wearing the number zero. This becomes a one-hour special on NBA-TV.

Hornets @ Bobcats - Chris Paul demands to trade his dinner for some PF Changs. He HATES pork vindaloo. You should know this by now.

Raptors @ Wizards - One of these teams is going to be swept by the Celtics in the playoffs and the other will end up with Kyle Singler.

Kings @ Pistons - There's a pretty good chance that Greg Monroe is going to get punched by someone tonight. I won't say any names, but that someone is wearing a DeMarcus Cousins jersey.

Heat @ Bulls - Every time James Johnson burps, you can smell LeBron's balls in the air.

Mavericks @ Grizzlies - Everyone gets really concerned when DeMarre Carroll calls out sick, but Acie Law gets chewed out just for hitting the Snooze button a mere 46 times.

Magic @ Timberwolves - Dwight Howard gets banned from the Mall of America for wearing Heelys.

Cavaliers @ Nuggets - The Nuggets don't change their strategy to beat the Cavs sans-LeBron. That would involve having a strategy.

Nets @ Trail Blazers - Neither team remembers if Travis Outlaw plays for them, resulting in Outlaw switching teams each quarter.

1.16.11

Lakers @ Clippers - Loser has to lick Jimmy Goldstein's seat.

Nuggets @ Spurs - JR Smith and Birdman are seen google mapping directions to Juarez, Mexico.

1.17.11

Suns @ Knicks - Steve Nash is shocked at the state of the SoHo condo he's renting to Amar'e. USE A FUCKING COASTER.

Jazz @ Wizards - Deron Williams breaks into a rendition of "All I Do Is Win" after the game. No wait, it's DJ Khaled. I THINK.

Bulls @ Grizzlies - Joakim Noah shows up 3 minutes before tip-off, plays the game in hiked-up sweatpants, registers a double-double, and vanishes as quickly as he came.

Bobcats @ 76ers - Michael Jordan calls Jodie Meeks up to his hotel room. Both parties end up disappointed.

Bucks @ Rockets - Jordan Hill is constantly reminded that he was drafted two picks ahead of Brandon Jennings.

Raptors @ Hornets - DeMar DeRozan throws an alley-oop to himself off the backboard while down by 16 in the 4th quarter.

Mavericks @ Pistons - Dirk drops 50 points in three quarters. The rest of the game is simulated on a Playstation 3.

Pacers @ Clippers - Blake Griffin narrowly falls short of 30 rebounds when Roy Hibbert Jr realizes he is allowed to jump.

Kings @ Hawks - A frustrated Tyreke Evans can't drive faster than 50mph on Atlanta's infamous Spaghetti Junction.

Nets @ Warriors - Twice David Lee has the ball stolen by his own teammates.

Magic @ Celtics - With Ray Allen out, Doc Rivers starts his son at SG. Austin Rivers finishes with 27 points and player of the game honors.

Timberwolves @ Trail Blazers - If these two teams play one more time, I swear I'm going to by some speech recognition software.

Thunder @ Lakers - Today, we are all Thunder fans.

1.18.11

Hawks @ Heat - Josh Smith is walking up the court by the second quarter and taking naps by the third.

Bobcats @ Bulls - The game is delayed for 25 minutes when Joakim Noah hides Stephen Jackson's headband in the ladies room, or as Joakim calls it "the lay deez room."

1.19.11

Suns @ Cavaliers - Garret Siler spends all game mimicking Daniel Gibson. Or maybe he was just sitting. I'm not sure.

Jazz @ Nets - While Paul Millsap registers 20 rebounds, he breaks three laptops with his outlet passes.

76ers @ Magic - Evan Turner and Hedo Turkoglu exchange shitty possessions.

Pistons @ Celtics - Kendrick Perkins has not stopped smiling since returning from injury likely due to all that Hydrocodone.

Wizards @ Bucks - The Jennings vs Wall matchup is overshadowed by Nick Young who takes more shots than both PGs combined.

Grizzlies @ Hornets - Peja Stojakovic tries to teach Trevor Ariza the art of being a chucker, but Ariza wrote the textbook.

Knicks @ Rockets - Jordan Hill revenge game, y'all!

Raptors @ Spurs - It may seem hard to believe, but one of these teams is modeled after the other.

Lakers @ Mavericks - Dirk and Pau have a spirited debate on the merits of soap. They part ways agreeing to disagree.

Thunder @ Nuggets - JR Smith gets an omelette named after him. You should not operate a motor vehicle nor heavy machinery after consuming it.

Trail Blazers @ Kings - Andre Miller is in charge of the pre-game spread. His table setting ability is described as "competent if unspectacular."

Pacers @ Warriors - A drunk Don Nelson calls out Jim O'Brien for having no qualifications besides being Dr. Jack Ramsay's son-in-law. We were all thinking it.

Timberwolves @ Clippers - While Darko is from Serbia and Nikola Pekovic is from Montenegro, it is discovered that Kosta Koufos is from "And."

1.20.11

76ers @ Bobcats - Gerald Wallace flies into the stanchion at blistering speed. Later, Gerald Wallace flies into the stanchion at blistering speed.

Mavericks @ Bulls - DeShawn Stevenson's Abaraham Lincoln tattoo returns to its home state, runs for governer, and wins.

Clippers @ Trail Blazers - Nicolas Batum elevates his game from "potential if he can stay healthy" to "potential if he can get it together."

1.21.11

Pistons @ Nets - Moving to Brooklyn still isn't going to make people want to go to games like this.

Raptors @ Magic - Raptors fans are disappointed they won't get to boo Vince Carter.

Hornets @ Hawks - Marcus Thornton's questions about Tbilisi's over the counter Tuberculosis meds make Zaza Pachulia even more uncomfortable.

Jazz @ Celtics - Kevin Garnett continues not to accept responsibility for destroying Al Jefferson's soul.

Bucks @ Cavaliers - Ersan Ilyasova mistakes Anderson Varajao for a warewolf and a centuries old battle is reignited.

Suns @ Wizards - Carbon dating determines Grant Hill is older than the Horseshoe Crab.

Rockets @ Grizzlies - Reigning D-League MVP, Mike Harris, showcases his skills at wearing button-ups.

Knicks @ Spurs - Tony Parker drives hard to the injured list; draws the foul.

Lakers @ Nuggets - Colorado fans really don't seem to like Kobe Bryant for some reason. Must be his choice of attire.

Kings @ Warriors - Paul Westphal kinda wishes he was back at Pepperdine.

1.22.11

Hawks @ Bobcats - Paul Silas waits until now to introduce himself to Kwame.

Mavericks @ Nets - Kris Humphries becomes the first person to actually ask DeShawn Stevenson what the fuck is wrong with him.

Celtics @ Wizards - Kevin Garnett beats his chest so hard, he breaks three ribs.

Suns @ Pistons - Vince Carter vs Tracy McGrady just as you imagined it.

Raptors @ Heat - A combined 9 players from both teams get DUI's.

Jazz @ 76ers - The Jazz have come for Spencer Hawes, but it's cool cuz the Sixers are not trying to put up a fight.

Cavaliers @ Bulls - Nobody is more happy that LeBron left Cleveland than James Johnson.

Spurs @ Hornets - David West battles valiantly to not answer questions about Chris Paul.

Knicks @ Thunder - Ronny Turiaf and Serge Ibaka just chase each other aimlessly for the entire 48 minutes and stoppages.

Magic @ Rockets - Despite being listed at 6-feet, Jameer Nelson and Aaron Brooks are both exactly 4'11" (with shoes on).

Grizzlies @ Bucks - OJ Mayo tells Brandon Jennings he should've went to college. It pays way better.

Pacers @ Trail Blazers - Larry Bird makes Dahntay Jones get his tattoos removed; suggests a cheese grater.

Warriors @ Clippers - The Clippers' backcourt dominates in the pre-game beard contest.

1.23.11

Pacers @ Nuggets - Have the Colts choked yet? If not, everyone is watching that game.

1.24.11

Cavaliers @ Nets - Candace Parker replaces her brother, Anthony on the Cavs; is easily the best player on either team.

Pistons @ Magic - Patrick Ewing's John Thompson impersonation is way better than Greg Monroe's. Long way to go, rook.

Suns @ 76ers - Evan Turner asks Steve Nash for an autograph during a possession.

Grizzlies @ Raptors - Jose Calderon turns a 3-on-1 fastbreak into a 3-on-5 fastbreak with the power of indecisiveness.

Wizards @ Knicks - Spike Lee casts Nick Young in He Got Game 2: Game Harder. Not because Young can ball, but because he can pass for Ray Allen's son.

Bucks @ Bulls - Drew Gooden wonders aloud why he didn't work out with the Bulls as he reclines In a giant inflatable Spongebob chair while sipping a Capri Sun he pierced through the bottom.

Rockets @ Timberwolves - Kevin Martin continues to lead the league in non-descriptness.

Thunder @ Hornets - James Harden wants some more cranial-flair to complement his headband, beard, and frohawk. He can't decide between the eyepatch or the upside-down/backwards visor.

Kings @ Trail Blazers - Due to Tyreke Evans' court imposed travel restrictions, the game is played on the California/Oregon border. Yreka defeats Medford 105-98.

Spurs @ Warriors - Enamored with their brand of basketball, Manu Ginobili pleads for a trade to the Warriors. Rethinks it. Then apologizes to his teammates.

1.25.11

Nuggets @ Wizards - Welcome to within 50 miles of home, Carmelo. No, not Denver. No, not New York either. Yes, the hell hole. Thanks.

Cavaliers @ Celtics - Mo Williams dunks on Paul Pierce again; loses by 36.

Clippers @ Mavericks - Blake Griffin pulls down 15 offensive rebounds exclusively off Randy Foye jumpers.

Bobcats @ Kings - Tyrus Thomas and DeMarcus Cousins spend most of the game barking at each other. Literally barking.

Jazz @ Lakers - Utah fans are not going to be happy when they find out Derek Fisher is actually 212 lbs and NOT his listed 210. You fucking dishonest piece of shit.

1.26.11

Magic @ Pacers - Chris Duhon and JJ Redick try to ice Jeff Foster but Foster reverse ices them both. That's a veteran move right there.

Grizzlies @ Nets - If anyone can hear whispers of a trade it's Jordan Farmar and his comically large ears.

76ers @ Raptors - Sonny Weems dribbles a crater into the floor.

Nuggets @ Pistons - Will Bynum is charged with another nightclub hit-and-run, but to be fair he hit a bird/man.

Hawks @ Bucks - Brandon Jennings won't stop smiling. It's kind of driving Josh Smith crazy. Well, crazier.

Thunder @ Timberwolves - The battle of Interstate 35. You heard me, San Antonio.

Clippers @ Rockets - Aaron Brooks and Al-Farouq Aminu compare hipster glasses. Disagree on the optimal skinniness of jeans.

Bobcats @ Suns - The battle for psychological advantage goes too far when DJ Augustin awakes to find Jared Dudley standing at the foot of his bed in a clown mask.

Spurs @ Jazz - Gregg Popovich and Jerry Sloan make a sideline reporter cry.

Hornets @ Warriors - David West and David Lee conspire to rebound each others' misses for an entire half.

1.27.11

Heat @ Knicks - When asked if he ever considered teaming up with LeBron, Amar'e replies "Why? Did he say anything about me?"

Rockets @ Mavericks - Shane Battier spends half an hour trying to explain Net Neutrality to his teammates.

Celtics @ Trail Blazers - The Blazers play a different lineup every time the clock stops and don't repeat a set until the 3rd quarter. They lose by 12.

1.28.11

Nets @ Pacers - Troy Murphy calls out his former team for not adhering to Central time. What's your problem, most-of-Indiana?

Grizzlies @ 76ers - Fun Fact: Zach Randolph owns a walkman.

Bucks @ Raptors - DeMar DeRozan justifies being drafted one pick ahead of Brandon Jennings by directly causing the Raptors to get a better draft pick in subsequent years.

Knicks @ Hawks - The Knicks introduce Stephon Marbury as a Team Consultant. First order of business? Convince Eddy Curry to jump bail LIVE ON USTREAM.

Nuggets @ Cavaliers - Mo Williams and Jawad Williams discover they have matching "Will 2 Win" tattoos. Awkward (but not as awkward as the fact Jawad Williams hasn't been on the team in months. Oops).

Pistons @ Heat - Biggest Free Agency haul of 2009 vs Biggest Free Agency haul of 2010. Great job with that one, Joe Dumars.

Magic @ Bulls - Every time Quentin Richardson does his antlers celebration, Darius Miles sheds a tear. A tear from his knee... it's a pretty serious condition.

Wizards @ Thunder - Goddamnit, Durant. How many obscure Wale mixtape interludes do we have to put you on before you'll come to DC?

Timberwolves @ Jazz - Though he's been off crutches for almost 5 months, Jonny Flynn insists on doing his workouts in the pool or hot tub (preferably).

Celtics @ Suns - Delonte West is a big fan of Arizona's gun laws (or lack thereof). He still travels with the team, right?

Bobcats @ Warriors - Stephen Jackson establishes he's the most intimidating person named "Stephen" in the world. Stephen Curry agrees.

Kings @ Lakers - Theo Ratliff and Samuel Dalembert battle in the low-post. Nazr Mohammed, Dikembe Mutombo, and Aaron McKie were given the night off.

1.29.11

Pacers @ Bulls - Danny Granger casually inquires about the cost of real estate in the area. Oh nothing, just curious.

Wizards @ Grizzlies - John Wall has already played Memphis more times than he did in college.

Raptors @ Timberwolves - Amir Johnson discovers Beaver Island on his GPS while flying over Lake Michigan. Johnson is unable to concentrate until Michael Beasley tells him it's not what he thinks it is.

Hawks @ Mavericks - Al Horford has 20 and 10 but doesn't get mentioned in a single game recap. Such is the life of Al Horford.

Nets @ Bucks - Either Andruw Bogut does a great Prokhorov impersonation or he has a harem. Likely both.

Rockets @ Spurs - Loser has to invite Mark Cuban to a Texas Independence Day dinner party.

Hornets @ Kings - Chris Paul dispenses some terrible advice to Tyreke Evans.

Bobcats @ Clippers - Blake Griffin justifies his #1 pick status by playing better than Kwame Brown. At least that's all anyone brings up around Michael Jordan.

1.30.11

Heat @ Thunder - The Durantula feasts on the Human Centipede.

Celtics @ Lakers - The return of Kendrick Perkins proves conclusively that neither team is the same team they were the year before thus proving nothing at all.

Cavaliers @ Magic - Jameer Nelson introduces himself as "Ja Gotti" to great laughter by everyone except Mo Williams.

Nuggets @ 76ers - George Karl's comeback is the inspirational opposite of Doug Collins' comeback.

Pistons @ Knicks - Tonight, the role of Ronny Turiaf will be played by Ben Wallace.

Hornets @ Suns - After Chris Paul throws a pass between Steve Nash's legs, Nash responds by throwing a pass off Chris Paul's contract extension. Advantage: Nash.

Jazz @ Warriors - Monta Ellis is found in violation of his contract when he injures himself on a pogo-stick.

1.31.11

Raptors @ Pacers - With Danny Granger out with a minor injury, Team Full-of-Project-Players narrowly loses to Team Full-of-Project-Players.

Nuggets @ Nets - Mikhail Prokhorov courts Carmelo Anthony by suggesting they go to Chili's, rent a romantic comedy, and see where the night takes them. Oops, spilled some wine on your shirt, Melo. Here, lemme get that.

Cavaliers @ Heat - Byron Scott takes comfort in knowing that if he had LeBron, he'd have lost control of the team by now anyways. So take that, Heat. In your face.

Magic @ Grizzlies - Brandon Bass and Quentin Richardson anoint their tandem "The BBQ." The BBQ gets a DNP.

Wizards @ Mavericks - Josh Howard thought he was just being grounded this whole time and tries to return to the Mavericks (who have since changed the locks).

Bobcats @ Jazz - Either Stephen Jackson really likes Cee-Lo or he really likes saying "Fuck You." Probably both.

Bucks @ Clippers - Sports Science concludes that Brandon Jennings doesn't adhere to the laws of Sports nor Science.

December 20th 2010 Captions

2010-12-21T20:08:00.004-05:00

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December Previews

2010-12-21T13:40:00.002-05:00

12.21.10

Nets @ Grizzlies - Michael Heisley gets Mikhail Prokhorov to broker the sale of the Grizzlies to Zangeif from Super Street Fighter II. Zangeif backs out, wanting nothing to do with those unsavory characters.

Mavericks @ Magic - Mark Cuban wants to know whats up with that Brandon Bass you guys took from him in 2009.

76ers @ Bulls - Joakim Noah doesn't believe Marreese Speights was on his 2006 National Championship team no matter how many pictures Marreese shows him.

Thunder @ Bobcats - A Costa Rican scientist discovers an actual Durantula. Appropriately, it was feeding on Geraldus Wallascarab, more commonly known as the "Crash Beetle."

Warriors @ Kings - One of these teams will emerge as possibly the 2nd best in the state. POSSIBLY.

Bucks @ Lakers - Derek Fisher is getting too old for this shit. Book em', Kobe.

12.22.10

Cavaliers @ Hawks - Jason Collins defects to Cleveland. The Hawks don't notice for 2 weeks.

Pistons @ Raptors - Rodney Stuckey's Italian impresses Andrea Bargnani. He attributes it to hours playing Assassin's Creed: Brotherhood.

Bulls @ Wizards - I had a "Gilbert gets jumped by the Secret Service" joke ready to go here. Damnit. I miss him already.

76ers @ Celtics - Jrue Holiday and Rajon Rondo become partners in a shooting jumpers company. No longer do they have no business shooting jumpers.

Thunder @ Knicks - Amar'e Stoudemire proves to be the best player in this game making over $100 million.

Jazz @ Timberwolves - Al Jefferson returns to Minneapolis and starts limping out of habit.

Nets @ Hornets - Not content with owning the Hornets, the NBA begins offering sub-prime mortgages.

Nuggets @ Spurs - Gregg Popovich calls a timeout 45 seconds into the game just to berate Richard Jefferson. To be fair, Jefferson totally deserved it.

Rockets @ Clippers - Chase Budinger jumps over Rasual Butler, lands on Yao Ming's foot.

12.23.10

Spurs @ Magic - Both Tony Parker and JJ Reddick show up wearing pink polos. David Stern immediately rescinds the dress code.

Bucks @ Kings - Keeping with his career average, Antoine Wright connects on 40% of his high-fives tonight.

Heat @ Suns - Gani Lawal pulls down 17 rebounds, thusly proving that he doesn't understand Suns basketball at all.

12.24.10

Nate Robinson spends all day assembling toys in Shaq's workshop.

12.25.10

Bulls @ Knicks - Landry Fields and James Johnson spend all game boxing out players who are already running back on defense. Usually each other.

Celtics @ Magic - Paul Pierce dreams of a pump fake and Vince Carter jumps out of bed, hurts himself, and misses the game. This is more astounding when you consider that Vince Carter nothing to do with this game.

Heat @ Lakers - This is a preview of the finals; apocalypse.

Nuggets @ Thunder - Down by 11 at the half, the Nuggets finally trade Carmelo.

Trail Blazers @ Warriors - Nate McMillan is so full of Christmas cheer, it's collecting at the corners of his mouth. Gross.

12.26.10

Suns @ Clippers - Matt Janning extends his contract as tech support for the Suns.

Timberwolves @ Cavaliers - Ramon Sessions' revenge game sees him score 26 points and get the win in triple-OT in the most boring overtime game conceivable.

Bulls @ Pistons - Joakim Noah has some strong opinions about the city of Detroit. Some strong opinions, indeed.

Grizzlies @ Pacers - Rudy Gay has a nice long talk with Danny Granger about contract extensions. Granger is later seen packing his belongings.

Hawks @ Hornets - Apparently Chris Paul doesn't want to play for Atlanta. Jeez, someone can hold a grudge.

Wizards @ Spurs - Gary Neal is pressed into action with Gregg Popovich's controversial tactic to "fight fire with Gary Neal."

76ers @ Nuggets - Willie Green slips into depression upon realizing this is his 8th season with the 76ers.

12.27.10

Pistons @ Bobcats - Spencer Hawes back-to-the-bench game shows steady improvement through the second half.

Magic @ Nets - Gilbert Arenas watches a marathon of Dexter; won't stop narrating his life aloud.

Raptors @ Grizzlies - I'm not going to lie. I don't give a shit about this game.

Hawks @ Bucks - Al Horford actually has a phobia of deer and doesn't get why fans are so cruel.

Hornets @ Timberwolves - Michael Beasley only passes the ball to the left hand side.

Mavericks @ Thunder - This preview made me google the whereabouts of Tim Thomas.

Wizards @ Rockets - Donning his hipster glasses, Aaron Brooks does the John Wall dance. It's okay because he was doing it sarcastically.

Trail Blazers @ Jazz - Wesley Matthews greets his old team with some pretty firm handshakes. Take that, you guys.

Clippers @ Kings - The Governator is in attendance, seemingly sparking Baron Davis to run in circles shouting "Get to the choppa!" This is completely unrelated, as Davis does this every game.

76ers @ Warriors - Charlie Bell finishes the game with more tweets than minutes played.

12.28.10

Magic @ Cavaliers - Cleveland fans don't wait until the playoffs to cheer for Orlando.

Celtics @ Pacers - Luke Harangody looks across the court to the Pacers' bench and is overcome with a sense of comfort and familiarity he hasn't felt since he was back in South Bend.

Knicks @ Heat - Pat Riley can barely conceal his erection. Gross.

Bucks @ Bulls - The effectiveness and vision of Derrick Rose and Brandon Jennings are neutralized after they spend all night watching regular shit with 3D glasses on.

Raptors @ Mavericks - Resident Wikipedian, Shawn Marion, informs his teammates that a velociraptor was actually the size of a goose.

Lakers @ Spurs - Lamar Odom is late to the game after some rustlers took Khloe during the night.

Trail Blazers @ Nuggets - For insurance purposes, Greg Oden and Nene aren't allowed within 50 feet of each other, a basketball, a flight of stairs, or un-cushioned furniture.

12.29.10

Warriors @ Hawks - David Lee and Al Horford , both former Gators, agree to steer clear of Tebow in their keeper leagues.

Cavaliers @ Bobcats - Antawn Jamison asks to go home and finish his career with the Bobcats. Dan Gilbert responds by calling Jamison a coward and flinging feces at him.

Pacers @ Wizards - Andray Blatche, Rashard Lewis, and Yi Jianlian start a doo-wop group called the Square Pegs.

Celtics @ Pistons - Nate Robinson starts in place of Jahvid Best for the Lions. Nate finishes with 150 yards and 16 personal fouls for unsportsmanlike conduct.

Nuggets @ Timberwolves - Renaldo Balkman checks into the game with the sole task of punching Michael Beasley in the dick.

Lakers @ Hornets - Kobe scores 45 points in a loss and the yearly "Kobe is too selfish" headlines emerge again.

Nets @ Thunder - In an effort to improve morale, the Nets' equipment manager begins spiking the Gatorade with Zoloft.

Heat @ Rockets - Yao Ming reminds Pat Riley that he's a free agent next summer.

76ers @ Suns - Andre Iguodala returns to the University of Arizona to give the eulogy for the Wildcats' men's basketball team.

Grizzlies @ Kings - Omri Casspi and Hamed Haddidi get along just fine, thank you.

Jazz @ Clippers - Blake Griffin and Al Jefferson fight inside the smoky caldera of an active volcano. The winner lives to fight another day.

12.30.10
Knicks @ Magic - Amare Stoudemire & Anthony Randolph discover they have just enough wingspan to play keep-away with a frustrated Jameer Nelson.

Spurs @ Mavericks - One of these teams will be regular season champs of the west. Adorable.

Jazz @ Trail Blazers - Dr. James Andrews appears to be salivating while courtside.

12.31.10

Hornets @ Celtics - Kevin Garnett and Emeka Okafor compare vertical leaps. Big Baby wins.

Warriors @ Bobcats - Stephen Curry goes 9/9 in the first half before being benched for giving Monta Ellis bad vibes.

Wizards @ Pacers - Roy Hibbert Jr finds JaVale McGee to be a formidable adversary, joining other formidable adversaries like low ceilings and two-seaters.

Nets @ Bulls - Mikhail Prokhorov and Oprah make it rain on Jay-Z. I think a basketball game is also being played.

Raptors @ Rockets - Raptors restore respectability upon ruining reticent Rockets on the road rabidly, rendering Rockets roadkill.

Hawks @ Thunder - Josh Smith leaves his business card with Sam Presti. By "business card," I mean brick with a note tied to it.

Pistons @ Suns - A sympathetic Rip Hamilton donates his facemask to Steve Nash who replies that there is nothing wrong with his face.

76ers @ Lakers - Can we hurry things up? Ron Artest has got a party to go to.

What Had Happened Was

2010-12-20T09:50:00.003-05:00

Sorry for the unscheduled hiatus. Some pulmonary issues grounded me for the better part of the past two weeks. As a result, I've missed two weeks of good basketball, great pictures, and a few significant Wizards' home games. During that period, the blog did go down for a day. This was not copyright or content related, I just need to diversify my passwords better.

I intend to bring myself back into the loop as quickly as possible (thanks to the blogosphere and a DVR). I'll be skipping out on tonight's Wizards/Bobcats to get some rest and get back into my League Pass + Captions routine.

Being sick compounded with having to quit smoking means I'm probably not staying up for those Western Conference games this week. Apologies if I miss a timely Vince Carter joke or something.

I think I need to do something about this "tonight's preview" nonsense. Too often, I've used those posts in substitution of captions. It was one of those ideas that seemed good in the off-season. I wrote previews for every game until February 16th, so I don't think I want to waste them. However, they are becoming increasingly outdated and I end up having to rewrite every mention of Traded-Player-X or Cut-Player-Y (if I even catch it at all). I'm just going to post the whole thing for those curious, and the rest of us will pretend it never happened.

Lastly, thanks for sticking with me. If it weren't for the comments/emails/tweets, I'd have been content to let this blog become someone else's problem for the time being.

/throwback

Tonight's Preview

2010-12-12T11:52:00.001-05:00

Nuggets @ Knicks - Finally the big trade happens between these two teams. That's right, Anthony Carter for Eddy Curry.

Hornets @ 76ers - Doug Collins mentions he'd love a whole team of Andres Nocionis. All funding for cloning research worldwide is immediately halted.

Lakers @ Nets - Jordan Farmar instinctively throws seven passes to Kobe. Fortunately, none of the passes reach their intended target.

Trail Blazers @ Spurs - Assistant coach Bernie Bickerstaff causes a stir when he uses Greg Oden as a coat rack.

Cavaliers @ Thunder - Clay Bennett suggests to Dan Gilbert that now would be the best time to move the team to Little Rock.

Magic @ Clippers - It takes Dwight Howard only 16 rides to confirm that Space Mountain is way better at Disney Land than at Disney World.

Tonight's Preview

2010-12-11T11:17:00.002-05:00

Grizzlies @ Clippers - Ryan Gomes is both surprised and disappointed to learn he is on the Clippers.

Pacers @ Hawks - Larry Bird makes a trade offer for Zaza Pachulia but quickly retracts it when he finds out Zaza is European.

Celtics @ Bobcats - Shaq shows up for the game in a Hitler mustache. Not to take a shot at Jordan, but to reinforce his new nickname: the Shaqtator.

Raptors @ Pistons - Amir Johnson torches his old team. Literally. Amir should not be allowed near matches.

Timberwolves @ Bulls - Luol Deng cements his status as team Captain by renting a boat.

Jazz @ Mavericks - Never has there been as many veiled cocaine references in an NBA game until Tim Thomas and DeShawn Stevenson get into an "I Can't Feel My Face" gesture contest.

Cavaliers @ Rockets - Having been on vacation all summer, Rick Adelman spends all day game-planning for LeBron.

Heat @ Kings - Francisco Garcia is subpoenaed to testify at Rick Pitino's extortion trial. Not knowing the court-appropriate term, he says "beej" about 12 times.

Tonight's Preview

2010-12-10T14:54:00.003-05:00

Bobcats @ Pacers - Danny Granger schools Kwame Brown on the "Cycle of Abuse." Kwame promises to leave Michael Jordan but never does.

Nuggets @ Raptors - Birdman manages to smuggle 3 kilo's of Blueberry Kush past customs back to Denver. His secret? Hiding it in Anthony Carter.

Knicks @ Wizards - After visiting the Holocaust Museum, Amar'e Stoudemire tries to show his respects with a numerical tattoo. This doesn't go over very well.

Lakers @ Bulls - Fun fact: The Bulls and Lakers got their names from the 1991 Sega Genesis game.

Pistons @ Mavericks - Alex Ajinca chills the lockerroom bumping "Immobilarity" on his iPod.

Thunder @ Hornets - Trevor Ariza rises to the challenge, assesses the challenge, and politely asks if he can change his mind about the challenge.

Rockets @ Bucks - Brad Miller shoots a mascot. In Miller's defense, Bango the Buck was coming right at him.

Hawks @ Spurs - The Spurs' Ryan Richards (English) and the Hawks' Pape Sy (French) would make this game somewhat interesting if they weren't being stashed overseas.

Trail Blazers @ Suns - The Suns regret not signing Scotty Reynolds when an injury to a ball boy leaves the staff short-handed.

Magic @ Jazz - Al Jefferson decides to go with a pick-and-pop instead of rolling to the hoop. Jerry Sloan calls back-to-back timeouts and doesn't utter a word in either of them. Instead, choosing to stare disdainfully.

Heat @ Warriors - Twitter informs Chris Bosh that he should be following LeBron and Dwyane Wade. Everybody LOLs.

Tonight's Preview

2010-12-09T11:25:00.001-05:00

Celtics @ 76ers - Hey Kevin, can you not yell so loud? Elton Brand is trying to sleep.

Nets @ Mavericks - Revisiting the Jason Kidd for Devin Harris trade today, both teams agree never to revisit the trade ever again.

Magic @ Trail Blazers - Brandon Bass is pushed into the starting lineup when it is discovered that Rashard Lewis has been missing since 2007.

Tonight's Preview

2010-12-08T19:46:00.003-05:00

Nuggets @ Celtics - Rajon Rondo out-rebounds Al Harrington and Jermaine O'Neal combined.

Bulls @ Cavaliers - Joakim Noah comments that the only thing to do in Cleveland is beat the Cavaliers.

Raptors @ Knicks - The Knicks 5-game winning streak is put the the test by the Knicks of Canada.

Pacers @ Bucks - Tyler Hansbrough misses another game with Vertigo, yet insists he chose the right profession.

Thunder @ Timberwolves - Nick Collison is getting pretty goddamn tired of explaining the plot of "Inception" to everyone.

Pistons @ Hornets - Austin Daye spends all game hiding between Jason Maxiell's front teeth.

Warriors @ Spurs - Brandan Wright got that new Waka Flocka mixtape. Warriors lose by 27.

Grizzlies @ Suns - While Hakim Warrick has been doing a fine job on the alley-oops, the Suns wish he would try less hard on defense.

Heat @ Jazz - Karl Malone criticizes the Heat for trying to form a super team while neglecting to mention the 2004 Lakers.

Wizards @ Kings - Tyreke Evans and John Wall go out to dinner with John Calipari and a guy rocking a tracksuit/gold chain combo who picks up the check.

Lakers @ Clippers - The loser has to take Tara Reid home.

Tonight's Preview

2010-12-07T14:42:00.003-05:00

Nets @ Hawks - Mikhail Prokhorov shares a suite with Lil Jon and Robin Meade. Things are discussed.

Nuggets @ Bobcats - Tyrus Thomas and Kenyon Martin remake "Freaky Friday."

Cavaliers @ 76ers - Thaddeus Young explodes for four free-throws.

Warriors @ Mavericks - One guard! Two guard! Red guard! Blue guard! There are too many guards on the floor!

Pistons @ Rockets - Greg Monroe finishes with a season best 28 and 16 without leaving the ground.

Suns @ Trail Blazers - In yet another classic LaMarcus Aldridge vs Channing Frye matchup, Channing doesn't enter the paint.

Wizards @ Lakers - Nick Young goes back back to Cali Cali. Keeps talking talking like this this. Annoying all all within earshot earshot.

Oh, and here were the previews I would have posted yesterday if I bought a laptop battery like I was supposed to. Despite writing most of them in August, they all came true.

Raptors @ Pacers - The Virgin Mary appears cross-stitched in Sonny Weems' & DeMar DeRozan's combined shot chart.

Hawks @ Magic - Vince Carter and Joe Johnson collaborate on a mixtape sampling the sound of missed jumpshots during the 2010 playoffs. "The Wu-Tang Clang" drops in May.

Timberwolves @ Knicks - Ray Felton discovers the lob pass. The Wolves did not gameplan for this development.

Thunder @ Bulls - Kurt Thomas tries to do the pull-the-chair trick on Nenad Kristic. It doesn't end well.

Heat @ Bucks - Juwan Howard draws a charge when he catches Ersan Ilyasova in a jump pass; becomes a Level 12 Wily Vet.

Grizzlies @ Jazz - Kyrylo Fesenko shows up to the arena early to get some extra reps being a lovable oaf.

Kings @ Clippers - Donald Sterling publicly regrets surrendering a 2016 conditional pick to acquire Rasual Butler. Sterling was expecting an actual butler

Tonight's Preview

2010-12-05T06:27:00.002-05:00

Celtics @ Nets - Kevin Garnett's idea of rookie hazing is trying to kill Derrick Favors.

Knicks @ Raptors - Roger Mason Jr considers this game an extended tryout for Brian Colangelo.

Cavaliers @ Pistons - A broke Rick Mahorn is in the stands consoling Dan Gilbert and Usher. It'll be alright, fellas.

Warriors @ Thunder - Nenad Kristic throws a chair at Andris Biedrins, who responds by throwing a freethrow at Kristic (unintentionally).

Hornets @ Spurs - Darius Songaila spends his time on the bench narrating the gameplay with his impeccable David Attenborough impersonation.

Grizzlies @ Nuggets - Late in the third quarter, Acie Law finalizes his hierarchy of Vitamin Water flavors. Dragonfruit, you so delicious.

Wizards @ Suns - Gilbert Arenas is going to try to go for fifty points at whatever cost. Flip Saunders resigns after the game.

Clippers @ Trail Blazers - Continuing to try and endanger his career, Brandon Roy is revealed to be the cover athlete of Madden 12.

Tonight's Preview

2010-12-04T14:06:00.002-05:00

Hawks @ Heat - Jordan Crawford dunks on LeBron James again. Nike orders Jordan Crawford to be destroyed.

Bobcats @ 76ers - The Apache believed a single breath from a Gilla Monster could kill the strongest warrior. The Bobcats believe the same thing about Tony Battie. Chew some gum, fam.

Rockets @ Bulls - Kevin Martin and Shane Battier decide who's not going to start with a game of "touch your hairline."

Cavaliers @ Timberwolves - Ryan Hollins shows up his old team by not being on his old team.

Magic @ Bucks - Every player on both teams sits out with a stomach virus. Scott Skiles defeats Stan Van Gundy 35 to 4.

Mavericks @ Kings - The 6'11" Donte Green is credited with negative six rebounds.

Tonight's Preview

2010-12-03T08:24:00.002-05:00

Nets @ Bobcats - The Bobcats sneak UNC's Harrison Barnes into the game. He finishes as the leading scorer.

Thunder @ Raptors - @docfunk shows up just to boo Cole Aldrich.

Trail Blazers @ Wizards - Jeff Pendergraph grows a chinstrap beard and becomes LaMarcus Aldridge's mini-me.

76ers @ Hawks - Jordan Crawford and Jamal Crawford exchange jerseys and nobody notices, except for Jason Smith and Jason Kapono who've been doing the same thing all season.

Magic @ Pistons - Mickael Pietrus hits two difficult jumpers, misses five wide-open looks, and has a fast break dunk. I could copy-and-paste this 82 times.

Bulls @ Celtics - Derrick Rose and Rajon Rondo are overshadowed when Shaq gives himself a new nickname.

Rockets @ Grizzlies - Zach Randolph breaks a Heinekin over Brad Miller's face. The NBA responds by strengthening the dress code.

Knicks @ Hornets - Amar'e leaves Chris Paul a cake. Enclosed are all the tools he needs to orchestrate an escape.

Timberwolves @ Spurs - As a motivational tactic, Gregg Popovich gives James Anderson the locker belonging to Richard Jefferson. Jefferson is forced to change in the parking lot.

Clippers @ Nuggets - Celebration occurs when Carmelo Anthony's slightly backwards leaning jumper is officially recognized as a fadeaway.

Pacers @ Suns - The pace of the game causes Roy Hibbert to cherry pick on the court and depart for the team bus in the 3rd quarter.

Mavericks @ Jazz - Raja Bell plays the game with a glove on for the sole purpose of dramatically removing it prior to slapping others across the face.

Kings @ Lakers - Frustrated with the losing streak, the Lakers win by 25 and keep playing long after the Kings leave.

Tonight's Preview

2010-12-02T12:25:00.001-05:00

Heat @ Cavaliers - LeBron wears commemorative shoes constructed entirely of middle fingers. Orphan middle fingers.

Suns @ Warriors - Dan Gadzuric rolls an ankle and nobody helps him off the floor because they are not sure what team he's on.

Travel Notes

2010-12-01T12:26:00.005-05:00

Captions will return as soon as I can find a reliable internet connection in Toronto. I anticipate a lot of Lakers/Grizzlies pics.
Have any food/drink/amusement recommendations in the T.Dot? Please leave a comment/tweet/email. I've had sushi for each of the last three meals and guess what? It was fucking delicious.

Tonight's Preview

2010-12-01T10:04:00.008-05:00

Grizzlies @ Hawks - A courtside Young Jeezy gives Zach Randolph a shoebox full of $20 bills during a timeout.

Thunder @ Nets - Brook Lopez and Kevin Durant stay up all night playing 100 rounds of Super Smash Brothers on Brook's Nintendo Gamecube. Durant won't stop spamming pikachu's vertical lightning.

Wizards @ Raptors - @docfunk's first encounter with lake effect snow doesn't go so well.

Trail Blazers @ Celtics - Luke Babbitt and Luke Harangody discuss being NBA rookies named "Luke." Both decide to try on "LuMarcus" for a few days. Rolls off the tongue.

Pistons @ Heat - A rejuvenated Tracy McGrady plays 6 of the hardest minutes of his career.

Magic @ Bulls - Stan Van Gundy intends to instruct Dwight Howard to not waste fouls on Joakim Noah but all that comes out of his mouth is the word "Gah!" at various pitches.

Bobcats @ Hornets - Emeka Okafor blocks a Kwame Brown layup attempt, runs the floor, and throws down a vicious layup of his own.

Timberwolves @ Mavericks - A flustured Dirk cannot get his game on track after Darko tells him about his $20 million deal.

Lakers @ Rockets - Chase Budinger loses an eye. Who did it? I won't say any names, but if I were Matt Barnes, I would know who I am talking about.

Bucks @ Nuggets - Andruw Bogut is told he can't wear his all-white suit to games anymore and is forced to settle on his shiny "Mo Money Mo Problems" suit (of which he has several).

Pacers @ Jazz - Danny Granger continues to lead the league in existential crises.

Spurs @ Clippers - DeAndre Jordan can't decide whether he wants an 18 rebound game or to chill. He intended to flip a coin but fell asleep before it hit the ground.

Tonight's Preview

2010-11-30T08:13:00.002-05:00

Celtics @ Cavaliers - Rasheed Wallace returns for this game because he says he left something in Quicken Loans Arena. Doc Rivers knows not to ask about it.

Pistons @ Magic - Stan Van Gundy manages to combine disbelief, outrage, and disappointment into a single spectacular facial expression.

Trail Blazers @ 76ers - It's days like this that Elliot Williams wishes he was back at Duke pretending to be a college kid.

Nets @ Knicks - Wilson Chandler finishes the game with the whitest name of anyone on either team.

Lakers @ Grizzlies - Ron Artest shows up to the game with his jersey soaked in Hennessey, a top hat, and a cigar. He hits two big threes and sets the record for most points while wearing a top hat and smoking a cigar.

Pacers @ Kings - Carl Landry reinforces his reputation as a hard worker by taking a part-time job bussing tables wherever DeMarcus Cousins is eating.

Spurs @ Warriors - DeJuan Blair steals a rebound from Tim Duncan. Timmy would get him back in Call of Duty later that night.

Tonight's Preview

2010-11-29T12:59:00.001-05:00

Wizards @ Heat - Chris Bosh's Baby's Moms is featured on "Real Housewives of DC." She's the one not sleeping with Chris Bosh.

Hornets @ Thunder - Daequan Cook agrees to loan David West some vowels he's not using.

Rockets @ Mavericks - Brendan Haywood's height advantage over Chuck Hayes proves advantageous when they go to the movies, and nowhere else.

Bucks @ Jazz - Brandon Jennings doesn't care about liquor, but is distraught over the availability of Mr. Pibb Xtra.

Tonight's Preview

2010-11-28T13:58:00.002-05:00

Hawks @ Raptors - Jordan Crawford and Ed Davis are the only players on either roster to show up without a hangover or still drunk. Rookie mistake.

Knicks @ Pistons - Everything changes for the Pistons when Rip Hamilton finds out how to set a screen for himself.

Spurs @ Hornets - George Hill holds Chris Quinn to a DNP.

Jazz @ Clippers - Baron Davis gives Deron Williams a tour of all local beard trimming establishments.

Trail Blazers @ Nets - Travis Outlaw greets his old team the same way he did while he was with them: with Pitbulls.

Thunder @ Rockets - Shortly after skipping college to play in the D-League, Latavious Williams skips this game to play take-a-nap.

Suns @ Nuggets - Chris Hansen has Nene arrested for hard foul on Robin Lopez.

Pacers @ Lakers - Paul George thinks that all the #24 signage is for him.

November 27th 2010 Captions

2010-11-27T11:46:00.007-05:00

click to ENLARGE

props to @Slangdini for the source pic

props to @ahmong for the source pic

Tonight's Preview

2010-11-27T09:59:00.003-05:00

Hawks @ Knicks - Amar'e Stoudemire and Joe Johnson have a money fight. There are no losers in a money fight.

Magic @ Wizards - Javale McGee and Dwight Howard are awarded a block on the same play.

Grizzlies @ Cavaliers - Rudy Gay's in-game dunks give Cleveland a performance of the likes they haven't seen since June of earlier this year.

Nets @ 76ers - The Derrick Favors vs Evan Turner matchup distracts everyone from some truly terrible basketball being played.

Warriors @ Timberwolves - Jeremy Lin spends all game playing games on a TI-83+ graphing calculator. He beats Nibbles before half time.

Heat @ Mavericks - LeBron tells Dirk he'd much rather have him than Chris Bosh. Chris Bosh nods in agreement because LeBron said so.

Bobcats @ Bucks - Dominic McGuire is forced to relinquish his "Taser" nickname when one of Corey Maggette's shots knocks a spectator unconscious.

Bulls @ Kings - Hassan Whiteside blocks a Derrick Rose layup and it only took him five fouls in nine minutes to do it.

Tonight's Preview

2010-11-26T13:29:00.004-05:00

Rockets @ Bobcats - Shane Battier and fellow Duke alumni, Gerald Henderson, meet at half court to discuss secret society stuff like handshakes and voting Republican.

Cavaliers @ Magic - Dwight Howard hits Anderson Varajao in the temple with a well placed elbow, destroying the part of the brain that controls flopping (all of it).

Raptors @ Celtics - It's pretty much assumed by everyone in attendance that Celtics' reserve Semih Erden will be on the Raptors at some point in his career.

Bucks @ Pistons - Charlie Villanueva beats the shit out of Tracy McGrady. To be fair, Villanueva thought McGrady was a woman.

76ers @ Heat - Things get off to a poor start for the Sixers when head coach Doug Collins shows up in a LeBron jersey.

Thunder @ Pacers - Indiana finishes as the same seed in the East as the Thunder in the West, only with 20 less wins.

Mavericks @ Spurs - French players Alexis Ajinca, Rodrigue Beaubois, Ian Mahinmi, and Tony Parker hit on your girlfriend in front of you.

Bulls @ Nuggets - Carmelo Anthony backs down Luol Deng across the Rockies.

Clippers @ Suns - Baron Davis and Steve Nash spend most of the game filming youtube videos together.

Lakers @ Jazz - Some Jazz fans greet Derek Fisher by flinging feces and burning an effigy then act surprised when when this is poorly received.

Warriors @ Grizzlies - Despite coming off the bench, OJ Mayo is taking 25 shots this game and there is nothing short of murder you can do about it. Lionel Hollins is arrested for murder.

Hornets @ Trail Blazers - Greg Oden imagines the things he could do with Chris Paul's lobs. Like watching them while barely trotting across halfcourt, for instance.

Tonight's Preview

2010-11-25T12:46:00.003-05:00

Wizards @ Hawks - Some terrible Atlanta hip-pop group concocts a "Lemme see ya Fingergunz" dance. Nick Young makes a cameo in the video.

Kings @ Clippers - Randy Foye is actually 1/16th turkey. This is a difficult holiday for him.

Tonight's Preview

2010-11-24T08:32:00.003-05:00

Knicks @ Bobcats - Eddy Curry already has gravy stains on his street clothes.

Bucks @ Cavaliers - Warm-ups become awkward when John Salmons recognizes Keyshia Cole but not Boobie Gibson.

76ers @ Raptors - Jrue Holiday and Leandro Barbosa combine for only 9 points, or hold each other to only 9 points (depending on who you ask).

Nets @ Celtics - Glenn Davis spends all game trying to find Common and Queen Latifah. The closest he finds is a common Jordan Farmar.

Heat @ Magic - The winner of this game will become favorites to be the best team in Florida. Sorry, Billy Donovan.

Pistons @ Grizzlies - Sam Young spends all game doing push-ups in the practice gym and then calls out his teammates for not working as hard as him.

Spurs @ Timberwolves - In a role-reversal, Tim Duncan gives Gregg Popovich the night off.

Mavericks @ Thunder - Upon realizing Kevin Durant is 10 years younger than him, Dirk gets drunk and eats a Wendy's cheeseburger one layer at a time.

Warriors @ Rockets - Stephen Curry discovers drank; has the lean on the J now.

Bulls @ Suns - A fight starts when Joakim Noah eats Robin Lopez' Lunchables. It was the pizza Lunchables, too. THE BEST KIND. Bastard.

Hornets @ Jazz - Deron Williams proves to be slightly better than CP3 at not acknowledging that there is a 3-year debate about which is the better point guard.

November 22nd 2010 Captions

2010-11-23T19:25:00.003-05:00

click to ENLARGE

Tonight's Preview

2010-11-23T08:32:00.001-05:00

Cavaliers @ Pacers - Brandon Rush elevates his game to levels only previously seen by Kareem Rush.

Hawks @ Nets - Avery Johnson tells Joe Johnson how much he'd have loved to have him on the Nets. Unfortunately, the slanguage barrier leads Joe to think Avery wants to bake him into a pie.

76ers @ Wizards - Spencer Hawes goes to Madame Tussaud's wax museum and is mistaken for an exhibit.

Bobcats @ Knicks - Raymond Felton shows up his former team with 31 minutes played.

Pistons @ Mavericks - Tayshaun Prince gets Jason Terry with a chase-down block. Later, Tayshaun Prince gets Jason Terry with a chase-down block. Later, Tayshaun Prince gets Jason Terry with a chase-down block...

Bulls @ Lakers - Joakim Noah and Pau Gasol get their split-ends tangled. It takes a team of surgeons four hours to de-siamese the players.

November 21st 2010 Captions

2010-11-22T18:48:00.004-05:00

click to ENLARGE

Tonight's Preview

2010-11-22T09:09:00.004-05:00

Celtics @ Hawks - For everyone's safety, Kevin Garnett and Josh Smith are given double technicals before the game.

Pacers @ Heat - Tyler Hansbrough goes home happy having received autographs from each of the Big Three.

Timberwolves @ Thunder - The Thunder acquire Kevin Love from the Wolves for... I dunno... let's say a Nintendo 64. KAAAAAAAAAAAAAHN!

Suns @ Rockets - Courtney Lee's and Robin Lopez' blind date ends awkwardly when each expected the other to be a woman.

Magic @ Spurs - Tim Duncan passes the torch to a disappointed Dwight Howard, who was expecting a literal torch. He made a costume and everything.

Kings @ Jazz - If it weren't for the chants of "DE-FENSE," Tyreke Evans could swear he was playing in Arco Arena.

Nuggets @ Warriors - Chris Andersen doesn't show up for the team flight because he's already in Oakland. Everybody knows not to ask.

Hornets @ Clippers - Monty Williams and Vinny Del Negro take a few shots in warm-ups. Both finish as the leading scorers of their respective teams.

Tonight's Preview

2010-11-21T12:46:00.003-05:00

Celtics @ Raptors - Sonny Weems accidentally shoots Nate Robinson for three. It would be his closest miss of the game. Also, Peja does nothing.

Wizards @ Pistons - Nick Young goes 0-for-6 in the game but fares much better at the MGM Grand Casino.

Hornets @ Kings - Trevor Ariza takes a Chris Paul alley-oop and somehow turns it into a clanked three. Also, Jarrett Jack does nothing.

Warriors @ Lakers - Despite the lopsided loss, Jeremy Lin is the real winner for being cheered by the Staples Center crowd every time he hands a towel to Monta Ellis.

November 20th 2010 Captions

2010-11-21T12:39:00.006-05:00

click to ENLARGE

Tonight's Preview

2010-11-20T09:52:00.003-05:00

Suns @ Bobcats - Robin Lopez lands on the IR with Carpal Tunnel Syndrome from excessive amounts Call of Duty: Black Ops.

Magic @ Pacers - Darren Collison drops 22 and 12 while the Magic still think they're getting Chris Paul.

Mavericks @ Hawks - Jamal Crawford shouts Jason Terry's daughter's name every time he shoots causing him to finish 1-11 from the field. Terry's daughter is named "Jasionna."

Heat @ Grizzlies - Rudy Gay plays like a poor-man's LeBron. Well, as poor as anyone can be on an $80 million contract.

Thunder @ Bucks - Brandon Jennings and Russell Westbrook have a race. A race into our hearts.

Cavaliers @ Spurs - DeJuan Blair and Samardo Samuels battle for position at Golden Corral.

Nets @ Nuggets - Jay-Z is a little upset that Carmelo hasn't read his book; plans to take out his frustrations on Jay Electronica's career.

Jazz @ Trail Blazers - The Luke Babbitt vs Gordon Hayward matchup prompts your dad to tell you about the "good ol' days" of pro basketball.

Knicks @ Clippers - Bill Simmons is at this game and mentions Andy Rautins and Ralph Macchio in the same tweet... and then again in an article... and then again in a podcast... and then again to anyone who'll listen.

November 19th 2010 Captions

2010-11-20T09:48:00.003-05:00

Click to ENLARGE

Tonight's Preview

2010-11-19T08:16:00.002-05:00

Thunder @ Celtics - A hard foul by James Harden knocks Ray Allen out of the game as the final seconds expire. An exasperated Doc Rivers selects Ray Allen's mother to shoot the free throws. Clutch.

Bucks @ 76ers - Despite being three years older, Lou Williams hopes to become the next Brandon Jennings.

Rockets @ Raptors - Raptors! Rockets! ROFLs!

Grizzlies @ Wizards - In his return to the DMV, Greivis Vasquez gets a louder ovation than John Wall.

Bobcats @ Heat - Unable to deal with DeSegana Diop's size, the Heat only win by 40.

Lakers @ Timberwolves - The Lakers wear their MPLS throwbacks. Not intentionally. The primary unis still smell like Henny for some reason.

Cavaliers @ Hornets - Chris Paul threads a pass through Mo Williams' soul.

Spurs @ Jazz - Referee Mark DeRosa is stared down by both Jerry Sloan and Gregg Popovich simultaneously. DeRosa turns to stone.

Bulls @ Mavericks - Brendan Haywood momentarily regrets not fleeing to the Bulls when Dirk borrows his headband and doesn't even bother wringing it out.

Nets @ Kings - Tyreke Evans falls short of a triple double because DeMarcus Cousins shoved him out of the way of at least six rebounds.

Knicks @ Warriors - David Lee has 15 and 15 against his former team. The Knicks get the last laugh because Anthony Randolph is a pretty funny dude.

November 17th 2010 Captions

2010-11-18T18:25:00.003-05:00

click to ENLARGE

Truth Time. I only made that caption so I could obtusely link to this.

Tonight's Preview

2010-11-18T09:36:00.001-05:00

Clippers @ Pacers - Danny Granger plays like a man possessed, which leads to speculation around the midwest that Danny Granger is a man possessed.

Suns @ Magic - Though Alvin Gentry says they're going to feed ducks at the pond, he really takes Grant Hill to a Florida retirement home.

Nuggets @ Trail Blazers - Disaster strikes when Wi-fi goes down in the Rose Garden leaving JR Smith unable to update his MySpace page.

November 16th 2010 Captions

2010-11-17T21:47:00.002-05:00

click to ENLARGE

Tonight's Preview

2010-11-17T13:42:00.004-05:00

Suns @ Heat - A minor scuffle ensues when Steve Nash jumps ahead of Grant Hill on the Miami Heat waiting list.

Raptors @ 76ers - Ed Davis proves to be the next Chris Bosh in terms of not-being-right-handed and not-playing-for-the-Raptors-tonight.

Wizards @ Celtics - The next 10 years of Rondo vs Wall is so promising that I'm going to start eating better.

Lakers @ Pistons - In a rematch of the 2004 Finals, the Pistons get in trouble when they discover that Chauncey Billups doesn't play for them anymore.

Clippers @ Timberwolves - Your television commits suicide.

Mavericks @ Hornets - Shawn Marion's shooting form proves useful for one very specific task. Scrubbing oil off sea turtles.

Rockets @ Thunder - Courtney Lee finds Kevin Durant's weakness. Poison darts.

Nets @ Jazz - It turns out polygamy is frowned upon in Utah, too. Mikhail Prokhorov just wasted a Wednesday.

Bulls @ Spurs - Joakim Noah bombards Tiago Splitter with questions about Brazilian culture. The frequency of the word "bitches" is innumerable.

Knicks @ Kings - Hassan Whiteside and Anthony Randolph combine their powers to become Amar'e Stoudemire at age 14.

Tonight's Preview

2010-11-16T11:45:00.003-05:00

76ers @ Cavaliers - Doug Collins and Byron Scott have a contest to see who can make the fewest adjustments.

Hawks @ Pacers - What Lance Stephenson does to Mike Bibby should be illegal. What Lance Stephenson does later that night definitely is illegal.

Raptors @ Wizards - This game goes a long way to determine who will be the 9th seed in the East.

Trail Blazers @ Grizzlies - Acie Law isn't sure whether Hamed Haddadi prefers to be called Iranian or Persian, so he just continues to ignore him like always.

Lakers @ Bucks - The Zen Master gets in Brandon Jennings head by saying B.O.B is better than Lupe Fiasco.

Bulls @ Rockets - CJ Watson is pulled over and charged with being a basketball player from the University of Tennessee.

Knicks @ Nuggets - Amar'e Stoudemire justifies his contracting by getting a really good dialog going with Carmelo Anthony.

Tonight's Preview

2010-11-15T12:41:00.001-05:00

Timberwolves @ Bobcats - Bobcats players are both relieved and disappointed to discover Lazar Hayward isn't actually a Laser

Grizzlies @ Magic - Dwight Howard's competitive nature is displayed when he beats Zach Randolph in a game of "who can yell 'penis' the loudest?"

Hornets @ Mavericks - Jason Terry leaves his knee-socks at home and is proceeds to sit out until they arrive by police escort. He is really self conscious about leg hair.

Nuggets @ Suns - Normally tasked with defending Amar'e, Nene books a flight to New York.

Thunder @ Jazz - The game is marketed as a "White Out" and it has nothing to do with apparel.

Pistons @ Warriors - The bay area winds sweep Austin Daye to the Philippines.

Nets @ Clippers - League Pass accidentally drops this game. Nobody notices.

Tonight's Preview

2010-11-14T10:49:00.001-05:00

Timberwolves @ Hawks - The game is delayed for 45 minutes when Sebastian Telfair can't find his gun.

Pistons @ Kings - Donte Green comes to the realization that he's a Pekingese trapped in a man's body.

Spurs @ Thunder - Down by 7 in the 3rd quarter, Gregg Popovich pulls his starters to fight another day.

Rockets @ Knicks - Rockets' Center, Chuck Hayes, grows an inch over the summer, bringing him up to 6'7". Almost there, Chucky.

Suns @ Lakers - Shannon Brown has 3 of the most spectacular blown dunks you will ever see.

November 5th 2010 Captions

2010-11-13T10:40:00.004-05:00

click to ENLARGE

Tonight's Preview

2010-11-13T08:31:00.003-05:00

Jazz @ Bobcats - Eduardo Najera and Raja Bell are involved in the first double-Flagrant of the season.

Magic @ Nets - Despite being released long ago, Sean Williams shows up in the Nets' locker room like nothing happened. Nobody is brave enough to say anything about it.

Pacers @ Cavaliers - The Pacers are shocked to learn that the Cavs have an entire roster of TJ Fords.

Raptors @ Heat - Much like how top-predators will play with their prey, LeBron and Wade let Bosh go for 40 points against his former team.

Wizards @ Bulls - John Wall and Derrick Rose have a phenomenal back-and-forth battle. In the end, the winner is Adidas.

Celtics @ Grizzlies - All the comparisons to Paul Pierce stop when Xavier Henry is spotted lifting a free weight. Xavier swears he was just picking it up off the ground and promises to never do it again.

Blazers @ Hornets - Marco Belinelli does absolutely nothing productive. Everyone has a good laugh. Except Chris Paul.

Warriors @ Bucks - Keyon Dooling embraces the Bay Area trend of "Going Dumb." He would never recover.

76ers @ Spurs - Richard Jefferson, failing to understand the concept of swinging the ball around the perimeter, continues defecating at the top of the key.

Tonight's Preview

2010-11-12T09:48:00.004-05:00

Jazz @ Hawks - Andrei Kirilenko tells Josh Smith he reminds Andrei of himself when he was younger. Josh Smith spends the game sobbing quietly in the locker room.

Rockets @ Pacers - Roy Hibbert Jr is arrested for impeding traffic during a 3rd quarter possession.

Knicks @ Timberwolves - Michael Beasley places his head through the arm-hole of his jersey and spends the next 10 minutes wrestling himself free. Corey Brewer smiles for the first time in weeks.

Raptors @ Magic - Content to make the same mistake four times, Brian Colangelo offers a $50 million extension to Mickael Pietrus if he can work a trade.

Bobcats @ Wizards - Continuing his feel-good story, Shaun Livingston defeats his former team and then uses his lemonade stand earnings to rescue a puppy from the pound.

76ers @ Mavericks - Elton Brand makes the trip just to boo the Cowboys.

Kings @ Suns - Jan Brewer personally deports Francisco Garcia.

Trail Blazers @ Thunder - The Blazers front office now roll their eyes when they say they'd draft Greg Oden over Kevin Durant all over again.

Pistons @ Clippers - Rodney Stuckey concludes he will never be comfortable playing Point Guard with a name like "Rodney Stuckey."

Tonight's Preview

2010-11-11T12:06:00.001-05:00

Celtics @ Heat - Toward the end of the night, Boston Celtics forward Glen Davis walks past James’ party and looks at the scene up and down several times like a painting in a museum, soaking in the images of the go-go dancers, the “King” sign and the costumed man delivering bottles of champagne. Davis shakes his head and walks on.

Warriors @ Bulls - Stephen Curry's ghostlike complexion causes Joakim Noah and Scooby Doo to flee the arena.

Lakers @ Nuggets - JR Smith is blatantly playing a game of HORSE in the 4th quarter.

November 4th 2010 Captions

2010-11-10T10:43:00.002-05:00

some quick hits, until I catch up to present day. Click to ENLARGE:

Tonight's Preview

2010-11-10T09:18:00.004-05:00

Bucks @ Hawks - In a playoff rematch, the same-look Hawks persevere over the new-look Bucks. Drew Gooden is a same-look non-factor.

Jazz @ Magic - Jerry Sloan drops Gordon Hayward off at Disney World in the morning; doesn't return for him. Ever.

Bobcats @ Raptors - DeMar DeRozan and Gerald Wallace contribute half the plays on Sportscenter's Top-10.

Rockets @ Wizards - Brad Miller respects Gilbert Arenas' views on the 2nd Amendment.

Nets @ Cavaliers - Things go from bad to worse for Devin Harris when he finds out his Brooklyn apartment will be demolished to make room for a Johnny Rockets in the new stadium.

Warriors @ Knicks - David Lee tells Anthony Randolph how he can make $80 million, too. Two words: Asbestos Lawsuit.

Mavericks @ Grizzlies - Tony Allen's ability to run very fast in a straight line and inability to move laterally earns him the nickname "Tron."

76ers @ Thunder - Kevin Durant has his 27th coming out party of his career, yet people will not stop calling it anything else.

Clippers @ Spurs - Donald Sterling files a lawsuit against Tim Duncan for having no intention of using all six of his allotted fouls.

Timberwolves @ Kings - Ricky Rubio plays his first game for the… just kidding.

Tonight's Preview

2010-11-09T09:21:00.002-05:00

Nuggets @ Pacers - Dahntay Jones is terribly sorry for whatever he did to be banished from Denver to Indiana. Was it not enough tattoos? It was probably not enough tattoos.

Cavaliers @ Nets - Jamario Moon vs Travis Outlaw in what has to be the ZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz…

Jazz @ Heat - Erik Spoelstra is completely outcoached by Jerry Sloan. The Heat only win by 15.

Knicks @ Bucks - Though he doesn't play, Eddy Curry makes the trip for the venison.

Clippers @ Hornets - CP3 gives in to fan demand and throws a lob to Blake Griffin.

Pistons @ Trail Blazers - Greg Monroe is the lumbering Center that looks double his age wearing BLUE. Greg Oden is the lumbering Center that looks double his age wearing street clothes.
I'm pretty sure about this.

Timberwolves @ Lakers - Lakers go 8-0. Don't stay up.

November 3rd 2010 Captions

2010-11-08T11:58:00.004-05:00

click to ENLARGE

Tonight's Preview

2010-11-08T09:39:00.002-05:00

Spurs @ Bobcats - Stephen Jackson and Gregg Popovich reminisce on the good ol days when they thought each other was insane.

Hawks @ Magic - Childhood friends Dwight Howard and Josh Smith get In a good ol' fashion elbow-you-until-you-die contest.

Warriors @ Raptors - Two of the most defensively challenged teams in the league are deadlocked 167-167 at the end of the 3rd quarter.

Nuggets @ Bulls - Joakim Noah and Birdman discuss their mutual interest in Predator 2. That shit was BANANAS.

Suns @ Grizzlies - Rudy Gay dunks from the free throw line during warm-ups but Steve Nash wins the game by hitting more traditional free throws.

Celtics @ Mavericks - Shaq taunts Dirk after the win despite finishing with 8 minutes played

Tonight's Preview

2010-11-07T12:45:00.002-05:00

76ers @ Knicks - Anthony Randolph dunks on Elton Brand and is charged with "Assault on the enfeebled."

Suns @ Hawks - While walking down the tunnel, Jeff Teague can't resist pulling an unmarked lever. Unbeknownst to him, he has inadvertently released the Dragic.

Warriors @ Pistons - Both teams finish the game with zero assists.

Timberwolves @ Rockets - When asked what part of his game he worked on over the summer, Sebastian Telfair says "ya moms" and giggles for like a whole minute. I guess you had to be there.

Celtics @ Thunder -After studying Paul Pierce's innate ability to get to the line, Kevin Durant learns the leaning-flail shot. He is now unstoppable.

Trail Blazers @ Lakers - Matt Barnes wears Beats by Dre headphones the entire game without any noticeable performance degradation.

Shoutouts

2010-11-06T13:08:00.003-04:00

Sometimes these captions find their way across the Interwebs. Props to everyone who shares them (credited or not).

If you enjoy my captions and SLAM's witty and informative game recaps, check out Anton Kudriavtsev's weekend work on Slam Online. You can find Anton on twitter here.
SB Nation's Andrew Sharp weighs in on Kevin Garnett's insanity. You can find Andrew on twitter here.

November 2nd 2010 Captions

2010-11-06T13:01:00.002-04:00

click to ENLARGE

Tonight's Preview

2010-11-06T10:33:00.002-04:00

Magic @ Bobcats - Gerald Wallace suffers a severe concussion. Who did it? I won't say any names, but if I was Dwight Howard I would know who I was talking about.

Cavaliers @ Wizards - Antawn Jamison asks to be traded back to the Wizards. Both teams express no interest.

Nets @ Heat - Devin Harris would be pissed about playing the Heat twice in a week if he weren't more pissed about playing for the Nets 82 times in a season.

Hornets @ Bucks - Scott Skiles briefly loses control of his team after his players google his arrest record.

Rockets @ Spurs - Yao Ming exceeds his allotted 24 minutes of play and turns back into a pumpkin.

Nuggets @ Mavericks - DeShawn Stevenson proves to be enough of a nuisance to hold Carmelo Anthony to a mere 45 points.

Clippers @ Jazz - Eric Gordon starts referring to himself as "Flash Gordon." Gordon Hayward responds by referring to himself as "Gordon Gekko."

Raptors @ Trail Blazers - Linas Kleiza got his groove back and all he had to do was sleep with Taye Diggs.

Grizzlies @ Kings - Zach Randolph and DeMarcus Cousins lock gazes
. For a brief moment, everything in the universe makes sense.

November 1st 2010 Captions

2010-11-05T18:42:00.002-04:00

click to ENLARGE

Tonight's Preview

2010-11-05T09:21:00.003-04:00

Bucks @ Pacers - Inspired by John Salmons' goatee, Larry Bird brings back the 80's porn stache. Settle down, ladies.

Nets @ Magic - Vince Carter misses his revenge game with a beard infection.

Cavaliers @ 76ers - Andre Iguodala drops 38 points, making Joey Graham look like… well… Joey Graham.

Bobcats @ Pistons - Larry Brown and Joe Dumars meet pre-game to discuss how crappy the NBA was in 2004.

Wizards @ Knicks - This marks the first time John Wall has been in Madison Square Garden since June of earlier this year.

Bulls @ Celtics - In a matchup between two elite young Point Guards, the commentary won't stop talking about Shaq.

Hawks @ Timberwolves - Michael Beasley falls asleep in Atlanta's Club Crucial and misses the game. The game is being played in Minnesota.

Heat @ Hornets - F'real, CP3. Stop fucking around and throw some lobs to this basket. Maverick is gonna be pissed.

Grizzlies @ Suns - OJ Mayo inadvertently invents the 1-on-5 fastbreak when he tries to emulate the Suns' tempo without telling his teammates.

Clippers @ Nuggets - Chris Kaman's and Birdman's battle for post position is eloquently described by Marv Alberts as "Dueling Banjos."

Jazz @ Warriors - Raja Bell has a solid game against his former team... wait... *checks nba.com* ... yeah, former team.

Raptors @ Lakers - DeMar DeRozan's LA homecoming ends up being a scene-by-scene reenactment of Training Day.

October 31st 2010 Captions

2010-11-04T17:27:00.004-04:00

click to ENLARGE

Tonight's Preview

2010-11-04T09:37:00.002-04:00

Knicks @ Bulls - The Knicks struggle without the aid of their home-field asbestos.

Thunder @ Trail Blazers - Jeff Green does little things to help the team. Dollhouse miniatures, for example.

Tonight's Preview

2010-11-03T09:39:00.002-04:00

Pistons @ Hawks - Ben Gordon invents a time machine and takes it three years into the future where he emerges as Jamal Crawford.

Bobcats @ Nets - Mikhail Prokhorov and Michael Jordan compare harems. They hit Tiger Woods on Blackberry Messenger.

Timberwolves @ Magic - David Kahn is jealous of how Orlando got Chris Duhon for so much money.

Pacers @ 76ers - These are the games that try viewers' souls.

Bucks @ Celtics - Shaq expresses his desire to one day play with someone like Brandon Jennings. Scott Skiles files a restraining order immediately.

Hornets @ Rockets - Daryl Morey explains the concept of "addition by subtraction" to the Hornets who promptly release everyone not named Chris Paul.

Mavericks @ Nuggets - The DeShawn Stevenson vs JR Smith matchup is why your dad hates pro basketball. Also, why he drinks.

Raptors @ Jazz - This game produces more shitty articles on RealGM & BleacherReport than the total number of people who actually bothered to watch it.

Spurs @ Suns - The Spurs still cannot stop Jason Richardson from hitting open threes. If only he weren't so open. Wait... nevermind. I thought I had a solution for a second.

Grizzlies @ Warriors - Starting lineups for both teams are introduced without mentioning positions. It's more accurate that way.

Thunder @ Clippers - The Clippers are quarantined after a Durantula attack.

Lakers @ Kings - Ron Artest gives his Lakers' teammates a tour of his old Sacramento haunts from that bar in Natomas to that other bar in Natomas.

October 30th 2010 Captions

2010-11-02T17:03:00.002-04:00

It's game day, so I don't have time for more than a couple quick hits:

Click to Enlarge

Tonight's Preview

2010-11-02T07:33:00.001-04:00

Hawks @ Cavaliers - Cleveland offers Hawks' assistant coach Tyrone Hill a position. Specifically, a position in the starting lineup.

76ers @ Wizards - Welcome back, Doug Collins. How has life treated you? Oh, that's unfortunate. Tell Evan Turner I said "LOL."

Celtics @ Pistons - Ben Wallace and Shaq battling on the block reminds us all of 2004. That and the fact ESPN is still pimping "Lose Yourself" as highlight music.

Timberwolves @ Heat - Michael Beasley is confused as shit right now.

Magic @ Knicks - Vince Carter to the Knicks trade talks intensify after a phone call from Isiah Thomas.

Trail Blazers @ Bucks - There is little question about the status of Andruw Bogut's recovery from elbow surgery after he installs monkey bars and a rope ladder in his back yard.

Grizzlies @ Lakers - The Grizzlies claim they put the decimal in the wrong place in Mike Conley Jr's contract extension. He was supposed to get $450 million.

The Grizzlies Give Mike Conley Jr a 5-year $45 Million Extension

2010-11-02T05:19:00.002-04:00

October 29th 2010 Captions

2010-11-01T19:56:00.009-04:00

Click to ENLARGE

fixed:

Tonight's Preview

2010-11-01T08:42:00.003-04:00

Trail Blazers @ Bulls - Luke Babbitt gets compared to Kyle Korver because the media is fucking unimaginative. C'mon guys, Babbitt is totally the next Wes Welker.

Raptors @ Kings - You gonna do anything with that Beno Udrih?

Spurs @ Clippers - DeJuan Blair and DeAndre Jordan combine for 32 rebounds and 3 points.

and yesterday's previews all of which were presumably 100% accurate:

Heat @ Nets - Mikhail Prokhorov is not pleased with you meddling in his plans, Mr. Riley. Now, how many Jordan Farmars will it take for you to change your mind?

Mavericks @ Clippers - Eric Bledsoe's inexperience shows as Jason Kidd pulls off the "your shoes are untied" trick in the 1st quarter and then again in the 3rd.

Jazz @ Thunder - 2% of those in attendance are wearing some form of blackface for Halloween but it's totally cool cuz their black friend said it was hilarious.

Warriors @ Lakers - Monta Ellis goes for 50 points. Warriors lose by 30.

October 28th 2010 Captions

2010-11-01T08:40:00.004-04:00

Click to ENLARGE

Tonight's Preview

2010-10-30T08:42:00.001-04:00

Wizards @ Hawks - Yi Jianlang's presence boosts Atlanta's Asian population to a whopping two percent.

Kings @ Cavaliers - A bored Beno Udrih begins penning his memoirs during a 20-second timeout. He finishes with 5 seconds to spare.

Blazers @ Knicks - Timofey Mozgov googles "Timofey Mozgov Funk" and finds this post.

76ers @ Pacers - Mike Dunleavy Jr doesn't want to be a jerk, but the Colts play tomorrow and his Jeff Saturday jersey isn't going to iron itself.

Pistons @ Bulls - Joe Dumars rings Jerry Reinsdorf's doorbell, leaves Ben Wallace and Ben Gordon on the doorstep, and runs into the woods while giggling.

Timberwolves @ Grizzlies - David Kahn and Chris Wallace play a game of poker; the table catches fire.

Nuggets @ Rockets - Thus far the most entertaining game of the season largely because Birdman discovers Purple Drank.

Bobcats @ Bucks - Brandon Jennings is fooled by Hasheem Thabeet's deceptive slow into thinking he orbited the planet and passed Thabeet for a second time in a single play.

Hornets @ Spurs - RC Buford devises a way the Spurs can acquire Chris Paul that doesn't involve kidnap. Just kidding, they're totally going to kidnap him.

October 27th 2010 Captions

2010-10-29T20:06:00.007-04:00

Click to ENLARGE

Tonight's Preview

2010-10-29T09:51:00.002-04:00

Kings @ Nets - DeMarcus Cousins outplays Derrick Favors until both players foul out with 3 minutes remaining in the first quarter.

Cavs @ Raptors - We now call to order the inaugural meeting of the Spurned Franchises Club. First order of business: Futile Tantrums.

Pacers @ Bobcats - After a 2nd quarter putback, Tyler Hansbrough is traded to Michael Jordan's Bobcats for Shaun Livingston and a six-pack of Matt Carrolls.

Hawks @ 76ers - There are more Atlanta Mike Vick jerseys in the stands than Philly Elton Brand ones.

Knicks @ Celtics - Mike D'Antoni tries to bench Nate Robinson out of habit. Fortunately, Doc Rivers agrees.

Thunder @ Pistons - Chris Wilcox reveals the secret to stopping the Thunder to his new Pistons teammates. Kevin Durant is super ticklish.

Magic @ Heat - Quentin Richardson just wants to talk to Dwyane Wade for a second, fam. Alone.

Bucks @ Timberwolves - Have you ever had a dream so real you thought you were actually eating your way out Ice Cream Mountain with nothing but a dirt shovel? No? Just Michael Beasley then.

Nuggets @ Hornets - Ty Lawson outplays Chauncey Billups and Chris Paul. In CP3's defense, he's trying to get traded.

Grizzlies @ Mavericks - Zach Randolph gets inside Dirk's head; is immediately arrested for Breaking and Entering.

Clippers @ Warriors - Utilizing his time on Injured Reserve, Ekpe Udoh makes an oversized suit entirely out of Chris Kaman sheddings.

Lakers @ Suns - Sasha Vujacic and Goran Dragic record a barrage of diss tracks towards each other during what will later be referred to as the Golden Age of Slovenian Hip-Hop.

October 26th 2010 Captions - Heat FAIL

2010-10-28T19:26:00.006-04:00

I know I'm a day behind. I've been enjoying opening week a little too much. I should be caught up by Sunday. Apologies.