Saturday, May 22, 2010

These Are Our Owners - NFL

Want to become an NFL owner? Here's how the 30 majority owners, 2 co-owners, and 1 city acquired their respective franchises. I hope your father is an oil tycoon.

*Obtained ownership through nepotism
**Acquired wealth to purchase team through nepotism

Arizona Cardinals - Bill Bidwell*
Acquired the team from his mother, Violet Bidwell Wolfner. Bill's lasting legacy may be the destruction of the NFL's revenue sharing system (due to his abuses of it).

Atlanta Falcons - Arthur Blank
Like anyone who has ever worked at a home improvement store, Blank vowed one day to start his own home improvement store BUT BETTER. The difference is he actually did it. Now you can buy 200 feet of ethernet cable and lightswitch covers from the same aisle at Blanks' Home Depot.

Baltimore Ravens - Steve Bisciotti
His staffing company will place you in a crowded call center of your choosing.

Buffalo Bills - Ralph Wilson Jr
Expanded his father's insurance company until he could start Ralph Wilson Industries. RWI would buy basically any Detroit businesses that were for sale (including a minority share of the Lions). Wisely, he has since stopped doing this.

Carolina Panthers - Jerry Richardson
Fast Food Tycoon who opened up a chain of Hardee's, Denny's, and likely other restaurants with an uncolorful history of racial discrimination.

Chicago Bears - Virginia McCaskey*
George Halas meant to leave the team to his son. Halas Sr's daughter, Virginia, suffered one fewer fatal heart attack than her brother, and thusly inherited the team.

Cincinnati Bengals - Mike Brown*
Mike's father, Paul Brown, obtained the franchise after years of coaching. Paul founded the Cleveland Browns, Cincinnati Bengals, and his fucktard son Mike.

Cleveland Browns - Randy Lerner*
Randy's father, Al Lerner, went from selling furniture to being CEO of MNC bank. Randy Lerner would sell his father's bank for $35 billion to Bank of America shortly before the banking collapse. Suckers.

Dallas Cowboys - Jerry Jones
Became wealthy by oil prospecting. Could it have been anything else?

Denver Broncos - Pat Bowlen**
Pat's father was a millionaire Oil tycoon. There is nothing significant about Pat Bowlen except that he is the son of his father.

Detroit Lions - William Clay Ford Sr**
Grandson of famed auto-manufacturer and Hitler-enthusiast, Henry Ford.

Green Bay Packers - Green Bay Stockholders
Demonstrates the terrible consequences of of public ownership of a professional sports team (in that their 12 championships and excellent attendance make failing larger market teams look truly inept).

Houston Texans - Bob McNair
Sold his electric company for $1.5 billion to Enron in 1999. Suckers.

Indianapolis Colts - Jim Irsay*
Inherited the team from his alcoholic father, Bob Irsay. Bob "achieved" his wealth by learning his father's & brother's business, starting a rival company, and running his family into the fucking dirt while telling people he was adopted. Bob is perhaps best known for getting really drunk, moving the Colts from Baltimore to Indianapolis, getting even more drunk, and finally drunk dialing his son to explain the move to the media.

Jacksonville Jaguars - Wayne Weaver
Womens' Shoe Baron. No, really. Owns Nine West. Fetish, anyone?

Kansas City Chiefs - Clark Hunt*
Son of the legendary Lamar Hunt, who in turn was the son of (you guessed it) an Oil tycoon!

Miami Dolphins - Stephen Ross
Stephen Ross worked in the finance department of Bear Stearns. Wait... WHAT?

Minnesota Vikings - Zygi Wilf**
Joined his father's billion dollar real estate company; didn't fuck it up.

New England Patriots - Robert Kraft
Deforestation Baron. Kraft would cut down a 2,000 year old Sequoia if there was gold inside of it (or a defensive back).

New Orleans Saints - Tom Benson
Car Salesman who used the Hurricane Katrina tragedy to leverage a possible move of the franchise to San Antonio.

New York Giants - John Mara* & Steve Tisch*
John Mara inherited his half of the team from his father, Wellington Mara.
Steve Tisch's production company worked on Forrest Gump, American History X, and Snatch. That being said, Steve Tisch inherited his half of the team from his father, Bob Tisch.

New York Jets - Woody Johnson IV**
Great-grandson of Woody Johnson I, a co-founder of Johnson & Johnson. Woody IV was implicated in a $300 million tax sham, but never served any time. He has since provided the Republican party with nearly $20 million in direct contributions and fundraisers. Dots connected.

Oakland Raiders - Al Davis
Senile. You already knew this. Acquired the team through politicking and dubious partnership contracts. Davis didn't actually become majority owner until 2005.

Philadelphia Eagles - Jeffrey Lurie
Founded the film production company "Chesnutt Hill Productions," which doesn't actually produce any films. Instead they supervise production for other larger production companies who'd rather not do it themselves. Who says Hollywood has too much money? This is reason number 281 why I'll keep downloading your movies, fuckers.

Pittsburgh Steelers - Dan Rooney and the Roonettes*
Dan's father, Art Rooney, acquired the team through gambling winnings. Dan Rooney would become one of the most beloved owners in professional sports.

San Diego Chargers - Alex Spanos
The Greek from The Wire, except instead of heroin and prostitutes, he sells multifamily apartments. Also, singlehandedly made a mockery of the McCain-Feingold campaign finance reform act by contributing $5 million to George W. Bush's 2004 campaign via 527 intermediaries.

San Francisco 49ers - Denise DeBartolo York*
Acquired the team from her late husband and suburban shopping store construction magnate, Ed DeBartolo Sr. Denise likely lays out Jed York's outfits on his bed every morning.

Seattle Seahawks - Paul Allen
Co-founder of Microsoft was the one who implored Bill Gates to drop out of Harvard. Allen's philanthropy makes Andrew Carnegie look like Dan Snyder.

St. Louis Rams - Chip Rosenbloom*
Inherited the team from his mother, Georgia Frontiere. Chip is a writer who's credits include Shiloh, Shiloh 2: Shiloh Season, and Saving Shiloh. He plans to sell the team ASAP, because Shiloh 4 isn't going to write itself.

Tampa Bay Buccaneers - Malcolm Glazer
Purchased George HW Bush's fake oil company, Zapata Corp which was formerly used by the CIA in various Castro-overthrow attempts, Iran-Contra, and Watergate money laundering. Zapata now turns fish into pulp to feed to other tastier fish.

Tennessee Titans - Bud Adams
Come and listen to a story about a man named Jed
A poor mountaineer, barely kept his family fed,
Then one day he was shootin at some food,
And up through the ground came a bubblin' crude.
Oil that is, black gold, Texas tea.

Washington Redskins - Dan Snyder
Snyder Communications specialized in direct marketing, direct mail, telemarketing, and generally annoying the shit out of people until they purchased subscriptions to Vibe. Somehow this was worth $2 billion to Havas Advertising. Fuck you, Havas. You indirectly ruined a fan base.


  1. Top Notch! This is my favorite blog. Not only are you funny, but you are a wealth-criticizing leftist! That's a wonderful and rare combination.

  2. This entire post is incredible.

  3. Holy shit this is awesome. I'm so glad there are other true haters in the world. I need to show my friends...

  4. I'm so glad there are other true haters in the world. I need to show my friends...

  5. One of the best blogs I have seen. As a Packers fan, Green Bay resident, and liberal Democrat, I wholeheartedly applaud your literary expositions!

  6. Hilarious. But I was nervous approaching ur review of the ownership of the Steelers cuz I met Dan Rooney years ago and was genuinely fond of him after so many people confirmed my initial impression of him as a genuine and generous man who cares about people.