Tuesday, December 21, 2010

December Previews

Nets @ Grizzlies - Michael Heisley gets Mikhail Prokhorov to broker the sale of the Grizzlies to Zangeif from Super Street Fighter II. Zangeif backs out, wanting nothing to do with those unsavory characters.

Mavericks @ Magic - Mark Cuban wants to know whats up with that Brandon Bass you guys took from him in 2009.

76ers @ Bulls - Joakim Noah doesn't believe Marreese Speights was on his 2006 National Championship team no matter how many pictures Marreese shows him.

Thunder @ Bobcats - A Costa Rican scientist discovers an actual Durantula. Appropriately, it was feeding on Geraldus Wallascarab, more commonly known as the "Crash Beetle."

Warriors @ Kings - One of these teams will emerge as possibly the 2nd best in the state. POSSIBLY.

Bucks @ Lakers - Derek Fisher is getting too old for this shit. Book em', Kobe.

Cavaliers @ Hawks - Jason Collins defects to Cleveland. The Hawks don't notice for 2 weeks.

Pistons @ Raptors - Rodney Stuckey's Italian impresses Andrea Bargnani. He attributes it to hours playing Assassin's Creed: Brotherhood.

Bulls @ Wizards - I had a "Gilbert gets jumped by the Secret Service" joke ready to go here. Damnit. I miss him already.

76ers @ Celtics - Jrue Holiday and Rajon Rondo become partners in a shooting jumpers company. No longer do they have no business shooting jumpers.

Thunder @ Knicks - Amar'e Stoudemire proves to be the best player in this game making over $100 million.

Jazz @ Timberwolves - Al Jefferson returns to Minneapolis and starts limping out of habit.

Nets @ Hornets - Not content with owning the Hornets, the NBA begins offering sub-prime mortgages.

Nuggets @ Spurs - Gregg Popovich calls a timeout 45 seconds into the game just to berate Richard Jefferson. To be fair, Jefferson totally deserved it.

Rockets @ Clippers - Chase Budinger jumps over Rasual Butler, lands on Yao Ming's foot.

Spurs @ Magic - Both Tony Parker and JJ Reddick show up wearing pink polos. David Stern immediately rescinds the dress code.

Bucks @ Kings - Keeping with his career average, Antoine Wright connects on 40% of his high-fives tonight.

Heat @ Suns - Gani Lawal pulls down 17 rebounds, thusly proving that he doesn't understand Suns basketball at all.

Nate Robinson spends all day assembling toys in Shaq's workshop.

Bulls @ Knicks - Landry Fields and James Johnson spend all game boxing out players who are already running back on defense. Usually each other.

Celtics @ Magic - Paul Pierce dreams of a pump fake and Vince Carter jumps out of bed, hurts himself, and misses the game. This is more astounding when you consider that Vince Carter nothing to do with this game.

Heat @ Lakers - This is a preview of the finals; apocalypse.

Nuggets @ Thunder - Down by 11 at the half, the Nuggets finally trade Carmelo.

Trail Blazers @ Warriors - Nate McMillan is so full of Christmas cheer, it's collecting at the corners of his mouth. Gross.

Suns @ Clippers - Matt Janning extends his contract as tech support for the Suns.

Timberwolves @ Cavaliers - Ramon Sessions' revenge game sees him score 26 points and get the win in triple-OT in the most boring overtime game conceivable.

Bulls @ Pistons - Joakim Noah has some strong opinions about the city of Detroit. Some strong opinions, indeed.

Grizzlies @ Pacers - Rudy Gay has a nice long talk with Danny Granger about contract extensions. Granger is later seen packing his belongings.

Hawks @ Hornets - Apparently Chris Paul doesn't want to play for Atlanta. Jeez, someone can hold a grudge.

Wizards @ Spurs - Gary Neal is pressed into action with Gregg Popovich's controversial tactic to "fight fire with Gary Neal."

76ers @ Nuggets - Willie Green slips into depression upon realizing this is his 8th season with the 76ers.

Pistons @ Bobcats - Spencer Hawes back-to-the-bench game shows steady improvement through the second half.

Magic @ Nets - Gilbert Arenas watches a marathon of Dexter; won't stop narrating his life aloud.

Raptors @ Grizzlies - I'm not going to lie. I don't give a shit about this game.

Hawks @ Bucks - Al Horford actually has a phobia of deer and doesn't get why fans are so cruel.

Hornets @ Timberwolves - Michael Beasley only passes the ball to the left hand side.

Mavericks @ Thunder - This preview made me google the whereabouts of Tim Thomas.

Wizards @ Rockets - Donning his hipster glasses, Aaron Brooks does the John Wall dance. It's okay because he was doing it sarcastically.

Trail Blazers @ Jazz - Wesley Matthews greets his old team with some pretty firm handshakes. Take that, you guys.

Clippers @ Kings - The Governator is in attendance, seemingly sparking Baron Davis to run in circles shouting "Get to the choppa!" This is completely unrelated, as Davis does this every game.

76ers @ Warriors - Charlie Bell finishes the game with more tweets than minutes played.

Magic @ Cavaliers - Cleveland fans don't wait until the playoffs to cheer for Orlando.

Celtics @ Pacers - Luke Harangody looks across the court to the Pacers' bench and is overcome with a sense of comfort and familiarity he hasn't felt since he was back in South Bend.

Knicks @ Heat - Pat Riley can barely conceal his erection. Gross.

Bucks @ Bulls - The effectiveness and vision of Derrick Rose and Brandon Jennings are neutralized after they spend all night watching regular shit with 3D glasses on.

Raptors @ Mavericks - Resident Wikipedian, Shawn Marion, informs his teammates that a velociraptor was actually the size of a goose.

Lakers @ Spurs - Lamar Odom is late to the game after some rustlers took Khloe during the night.

Trail Blazers @ Nuggets - For insurance purposes, Greg Oden and Nene aren't allowed within 50 feet of each other, a basketball, a flight of stairs, or un-cushioned furniture.

Warriors @ Hawks - David Lee and Al Horford , both former Gators, agree to steer clear of Tebow in their keeper leagues.

Cavaliers @ Bobcats - Antawn Jamison asks to go home and finish his career with the Bobcats. Dan Gilbert responds by calling Jamison a coward and flinging feces at him.

Pacers @ Wizards - Andray Blatche, Rashard Lewis, and Yi Jianlian start a doo-wop group called the Square Pegs.

Celtics @ Pistons - Nate Robinson starts in place of Jahvid Best for the Lions. Nate finishes with 150 yards and 16 personal fouls for unsportsmanlike conduct.

Nuggets @ Timberwolves - Renaldo Balkman checks into the game with the sole task of punching Michael Beasley in the dick.

Lakers @ Hornets - Kobe scores 45 points in a loss and the yearly "Kobe is too selfish" headlines emerge again.

Nets @ Thunder - In an effort to improve morale, the Nets' equipment manager begins spiking the Gatorade with Zoloft.

Heat @ Rockets - Yao Ming reminds Pat Riley that he's a free agent next summer.

76ers @ Suns
- Andre Iguodala returns to the University of Arizona to give the eulogy for the Wildcats' men's basketball team.

Grizzlies @ Kings - Omri Casspi and Hamed Haddidi get along just fine, thank you.

Jazz @ Clippers - Blake Griffin and Al Jefferson fight inside the smoky caldera of an active volcano. The winner lives to fight another day.

Knicks @ Magic - Amare Stoudemire & Anthony Randolph discover they have just enough wingspan to play keep-away with a frustrated Jameer Nelson.

Spurs @ Mavericks - One of these teams will be regular season champs of the west. Adorable.

Jazz @ Trail Blazers
- Dr. James Andrews appears to be salivating while courtside.

Hornets @ Celtics - Kevin Garnett and Emeka Okafor compare vertical leaps. Big Baby wins.

Warriors @ Bobcats - Stephen Curry goes 9/9 in the first half before being benched for giving Monta Ellis bad vibes.

Wizards @ Pacers - Roy Hibbert Jr finds JaVale McGee to be a formidable adversary, joining other formidable adversaries like low ceilings and two-seaters.

Nets @ Bulls - Mikhail Prokhorov and Oprah make it rain on Jay-Z. I think a basketball game is also being played.

Raptors @ Rockets - Raptors restore respectability upon ruining reticent Rockets on the road rabidly, rendering Rockets roadkill.

Hawks @ Thunder - Josh Smith leaves his business card with Sam Presti. By "business card," I mean brick with a note tied to it.

Pistons @ Suns - A sympathetic Rip Hamilton donates his facemask to Steve Nash who replies that there is nothing wrong with his face.

76ers @ Lakers - Can we hurry things up? Ron Artest has got a party to go to.


  1. HOly Fuck! this blog is fucking hilarious! Why didn't I know about this sooner?

  2. "Nate Robinson spends all day assembling toys in Shaq's workshop"

    -This killed it for me.

  3. Not to be a downer but Willie Green isnt on the sixers and his sister and cousin just died in a car crash saturday.

  4. From Out of NowhereDecember 28, 2010 at 1:30 AM

    I thought up this alternate for the 12/26 76ers/Nuggets game:

    "Doug Collins decides to let Tony Battie play the game for the Nuggets for old times sake, but the crowd is more surprised to see that he's still in the league."

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