Kings @ Nets - DeMarcus Cousins outplays Derrick Favors until both players foul out with 3 minutes remaining in the first quarter.
Cavs @ Raptors - We now call to order the inaugural meeting of the Spurned Franchises Club. First order of business: Futile Tantrums.
Pacers @ Bobcats - After a 2nd quarter putback, Tyler Hansbrough is traded to Michael Jordan's Bobcats for Shaun Livingston and a six-pack of Matt Carrolls.
Hawks @ 76ers - There are more Atlanta Mike Vick jerseys in the stands than Philly Elton Brand ones.
Knicks @ Celtics - Mike D'Antoni tries to bench Nate Robinson out of habit. Fortunately, Doc Rivers agrees.
Thunder @ Pistons - Chris Wilcox reveals the secret to stopping the Thunder to his new Pistons teammates. Kevin Durant is super ticklish.
Magic @ Heat - Quentin Richardson just wants to talk to Dwyane Wade for a second, fam. Alone.
Bucks @ Timberwolves - Have you ever had a dream so real you thought you were actually eating your way out Ice Cream Mountain with nothing but a dirt shovel? No? Just Michael Beasley then.
Nuggets @ Hornets - Ty Lawson outplays Chauncey Billups and Chris Paul. In CP3's defense, he's trying to get traded.
Grizzlies @ Mavericks - Zach Randolph gets inside Dirk's head; is immediately arrested for Breaking and Entering.
Clippers @ Warriors - Utilizing his time on Injured Reserve, Ekpe Udoh makes an oversized suit entirely out of Chris Kaman sheddings.
Lakers @ Suns - Sasha Vujacic and Goran Dragic record a barrage of diss tracks towards each other during what will later be referred to as the Golden Age of Slovenian Hip-Hop.