Brain On Funk

1.1.11

Hornets @ Wizards - While Chris Paul wins the game, John Wall wins the dance-off.

Cavaliers @ Bulls - Dan Gilbert opines that there is nothing to do in Chicago. Adorable.

Warriors @ Heat - Monta Ellis doesn't get all the fuss over the Big Three. He goes 82-0 in NBA2k11 all the time.

Nets @ Timberwolves - Not knowing that one has to raise their hand to have any hope of being passed the ball in the Nets' system, Derrick Favors spends all game essentially running wind sprints.

Thunder @ Spurs - George Hill has been texting a lot lately...

Mavericks @ Bucks - Milwaukee's lack of Point Guard depth finally catches up to them as Brandon Jennings is hospitalized for exhaustion.

Kings @ Nuggets - DeMarcus Cousins is starting a fight tonight, bitches

Grizzlies @ Jazz - Having read too many comic books, Rudy Gay visits and is promptly banned from one of Utah's many toxic waste facilities.

1.2.11

Pacers @ Knicks - In anticipation of Lance Stephenson's homecoming, Larry Bird gets bail money ready.

Hawks @ Clippers - Randy Foye and Jordan Crawford exchange early shot-clock jumpers; phone numbers.

Celtics @ Raptors - Ed Davis finishes with 15 and 15 against the Celtics' frontcourt, by far his least disappointing performance since enrolling at UNC.

Mavericks @ Cavaliers - Dirk drops 55 points. Why yes, Antawn Jamison was starting over JJ Hickson. Why do you ask?

Rockets @ Trail Blazers - Shane Battier's big-ass brain concludes that the key defeating the Blazers is to score more points than they do.

Suns @ Kings - This is Jermaine Taylor's coming out party, but not necessarily in the way you are thinking.

Grizzlies @ Lakers - 2 Gasols, 1 bucket. Gross.

1.3.11

Heat @ Bobcats - Maverick Carter makes a pitch to Stephen Jackson to join LRMR. Jackson declines, citing the fact that he's not fucking retarded.

Warriors @ Magic - JJ Redick commits two atrocities at the same time when he freestyles over the National Anthem.

Timberwolves @ Celtics - Kevin Love begs to stay, but a tearful Danny Ainge is forced to release him back onto the Timberwolves' team bus.

76ers @ Hornets - Elton Brand registers a double-double if you count minutes played.

Rockets @ Nuggets - Much to the disappointment of everyone in attendance, JR Smith doesn't choke anybody.

Pistons @ Jazz - Despite being two years younger, DNA tests conclude that Al Jefferson is Jason Maxiell's father.

1.4.11

Bucks @ Heat - Proving his worth as a role player, Mike Miller casts Curaga on on the entire party.

Spurs @ Knicks - The Knicks ask for Tony Parker in a trade and RC Buford accepts before even hearing what the Spurs will get in return.

Raptors @ Bulls - Marcus Banks blows by Derrick Rose and throws up a perfect floater over the backboard.

Thunder @ Grizzlies - Mike Conley Jr can't possibly be still playing well by now. Tell me he can't.

Trail Blazers @ Mavericks - Jason Kidd and Andre Miller combine for zero made threes.

Hawks @ Kings - Continuing to exceed expectations, DeMarcus Cousins manages to out-scowl Josh Smith 117 to 112.

Pistons @ Lakers - Both teams agree that the worst part of the 2004 Finals was the Black Eyed Peas.

1.5.11

Raptors @ Cavaliers - Joey Graham and Anthony Parker torch their ex-team for 3 reach-in fouls and a charge.

Bulls @ Nets - Kurt Thomas' car stalls on the way to the stadium. Upon closer inspection, Kurt Thomas' tank is empty. Also, his car is out of gas.

Bucks @ Magic - Just when it appears he cannot get more adorable, Jameer Nelson learns to speak.

Wizards @ 76ers - It turns out Yi Jianlian falsified his birth date, and is actually 83 years old.

Spurs @ Celtics - Paul Pierce and Manu Ginobili engineer the first ever non-contact double-flop to a chorus of boos.

Bobcats @ Timberwolves - Finally, the Sebastian Telfair vs Shaun Livingston matchup we've all been waiting for.

Warriors @ Hornets - Chris Paul demands a trade from Right Guard to Old Spice.

Trail Blazers @ Rockets - This is a must-see game for makers of crutches for tall people.

Heat @ Jazz - The Heat are off their game as they had to drive to Idaho to party.

Lakers @ Suns - Someone on BleacherReport compares Steve Blake to Steve Nash in a slideshow. Everybody laughs.

Nuggets @ Clippers - JR Smith sprains his ankle just to get a weed license.

1.6.11

Thunder @ Mavericks - JJ Barea runs around like a chicken with it's head cut off. Also, the chicken is bad at basketball.

Nuggets @ Kings - Tyreke Evans and Ty Lawson race from bucket to bucket. Tyreke wins easily, but then again he was driving 112 mph.

1.7.11

Spurs @ Pacers - Am I seeing things or are there actually six Matt Bonners playing?

Bulls @ 76ers - Carlos Boozer misses a spot while painting on his beard this morning.

Nets @ Wizards - The young Wizards and Nets gather around a campfire to tell spooky Sam Cassell stories.

Raptors @ Celtics - Sonny Weems and Amir Johnson can't stop giggling everytime KG says a naughty word. This, of course, leads to more naughty words.

Rockets @ Magic - Hakeem Olajuwan decimates Shaquille O'Neal.

Trail Blazers @ Timberwolves - Armon Johnson is buried so deep in the Blazers' backcourt that Nate McMillian lets him play garbage time minutes with the Wolves.

Heat @ Bucks - Udonis Haslem is arrested for possession of a diet soda in Wisconsin.

Knicks @ Suns - Amar'e recognizes something familiar about this place, but can't quite put his finger on it.

Cavaliers @ Warriors - Knowing that Mo Williams can't defend the pick-and-roll, Monta Ellis calls for one in the 4th quarter before switching back to an Iso.

Hornets @ Lakers - Embracing hipsterism, Kobe Bryant wears a Luke Walton jersey to the game.

1.8.11

Pacers @ Hawks - Lance Stephenson becomes confused as shit when Zaza Pachulia is introduced as "from Georgia."

Wizards @ Bobcats - Dominic McGuire plays his former team though nobody realizes it, especially not Dominic McGuire.

Bucks @ Nets - Devin Harris and Brandon Jennings discuss playing with slow teammates.

76ers @ Pistons - 76ers: One time Allen Iverson locked himself into a bathroom stall with a trash bag filled with soft tacos just to avoid a training session. Pistons: Oh yeah? One time Allen Iverson got himself banned from a casino.

Celtics @ Bulls - Von Wafer does a nice job of replacing Michael Finley with his ability to sit down and clap (often simultaneously).

Grizzlies @ Thunder - OJ Mayo starts the game 8-for-8 yet finishes 7-for-22.

Magic @ Mavericks - Rick Carlsisle falls asleep watching Multiplicity; makes Dominique Jones, Shawn Marion, and Caron Butler share the court.

Jazz @ Rockets - Responding to criticism of his shirt-jersey, Mark Cuban shows up to the game in sweatpant-shorts.

1.9.11

Kings @ Raptors - Tired of the miscommunication with his teammates, Jerryd Bayless chooses to speak only in profanities.

Warriors @ Clippers - The game is delayed for an hour when Willie Warren refuses to pass the ball to the referee after a timeout. The situation is resolved when Warren is allowed to shoot an errant jumpshot which is then rebounded by the head official.

Timberwolves @ Spurs - Martell Webster shows up with black nailpolish and gauze around his wrists. Clearly he still hasn't mentally recovered from being traded for Luke Babbitt.

Cavaliers @ Suns - Josh Childress doesn't want to call Cleveland economically depressed, but in Greece they would call it "Greece."

Hornets @ Nuggets - Kenyon Martin's bark is worse than his 11 points and 6 rebounds.

Heat @ Trail Blazers - Udonis Haslem is arrested in Portland for not having enough weed.

Knicks @ Lakers - Lamar Odom accidentally open-mouth kisses Eddy Curry, mistaking him for Khloe Kardashian. Again.

1.10.11

Grizzlies @ Bobcats - Unsatisfied with his play, DJ Augustin replaces his 3XL shorts with 5XL shorts. He commits 6 turnovers.

Rockets @ Celtics - Brad Miller is really getting sick and tired of this Shaq shit.

Pistons @ Bulls - Taj Gibson considers having his hands replaced with something more functional like hooks or bottle openers.

1.11.11

Bucks @ Hawks - Brandon Jennings plays the entire game with Skullcandy headphones on. Finishes with 24, 10, and the win.

Pacers @ 76ers - Andre Iguodala has his ankles broken by Danny Granger, Paul George, Dahntay Jones, Paul George (again), Larry Bird, and lastly Pacers' athletic trainer Josh Corbell.

Kings @ Wizards - JaVale McGee and Demarcus Cousins chase a loose ball all the way to Delaware.

Spurs @ Timberwolves - Tony Parker retracts his trade demands upon realizing how much worse things could be.

Suns @ Nuggets - During the 4th quarter with a slim lead, JR Smith chokes at the line. Also, he would miss the crucial freethrows.

Knicks @ Trail Blazers - Ronny Turiaf gets distracted by a squirrel; spends 4 hours chasing it.

Cavaliers @ Lakers - Shannon Brown tries to jump over Dan Gilbert's sense of entitlement; breaks both legs.

1.12.11

Bulls @ Bobcats - Jerry Reinsdorf and Michael Jordan ignore each other for the 180th game in a row.

Mavericks @ Pacers - TJ Ford and JJ Barea both agree that going by their initials makes them sound taller.

Hawks @ Raptors - Brian Colangelo doesn't express any interest in Zaza Pachulia, surprising everyone in at least 3 different nations.

Kings @ Celtics - DeMarcus Cousins yells back at KG, who responds with the "Hold me back" dance until his teammates arrive to actually mock-hold him back.

Grizzlies @ Pistons - Tracy McGrady dunks. Nah just kidding, but could you imagine?

Spurs @ Bucks - So *giggle* how... uh *chuckle*... how is Richard Jefferson working out for you guys? *uproarious laughter*

Magic @ Hornets - The Chris Paul to the Magic trade falls through when the Hornets refuse to take the Epcot Center as part of the deal.

Thunder @ Rockets - Aaron Brooks hits a game winning three and exclaims "Cobra Clutch!" in an attempt to finally have a nickname. It doesn't work.

Nets @ Suns - The Lopez Twins spend all day shopping for Ring Pops.

Knicks @ Jazz - Danilo Galinari scores 22 points without bending over at the waist.

Lakers @ Warriors - Ron Artest decides he needs a catch phrase to shout every time he makes a bucket. He can't decide between "Shots Fired!" or "QUETZACOATL!"

Heat @ Clippers - The Heat are left short-handed after Dexter Pittman eats James Jones, Eddie House, and Kenny Hasbrouck.

1.13.11

Wizards @ Timberwolves - Easily the 3rd best game today.

Magic @ Thunder - Dwight Howard grows jealous of the league's new favorite child, Kevin Durant and tries to stuff him in the dryer during the 3rd quarter.

Heat @ Nuggets - The LeBron vs Carmelo rivalry game would be a lot more exciting if Carmelo was still on the Nuggets.

1.14.11

Bulls @ Pacers - Tom Thibodeau revolutionizes the game when he introduces a Cover 2 defense. Unfortunately, this requires 11 defenders including Cornerbacks that can play the run.

Bucks @ 76ers - Michael Redd tears his ACL playing Nintendo Wii.

Pistons @ Raptors - After a year overseas and half a season with the Raptors, Linas Kleiza has completely forgotten how to speak English.

Bobcats @ Celtics - Sherron Collins and Big Baby hit the Sizzlers pregame… and then again postgame.

Kings @ Knicks - Nepotism is alive and well as Patrick Ewing Jr battles Vlade Divac Jr. Wait never mind, that's just Omri Casspi.

Mavericks @ Spurs - Matt Bonner's quest for the perfect sandwich ends when he discovers the KFC Double Down (because it kills him).

Hornets @ Rockets - Marco Belinelli keeps mistaking Jared Jeffries for Swizz Beatz. Marco would just die for an Alicia Keys autograph.

Cavaliers @ Jazz - The Cavaliers have their only assist of the game rescinded when the court rules against assisted suicide.

Trail Blazers @ Suns - A blood test reveals that Greg Oden is Grant Hill's father.

Clippers @ Warriors - Andris Biedrins is getting sick and tired of Monta Ellis' dick punches. REAL MATURE, MONTA.

Nets @ Lakers - Jordan Farmar throws seven passes to Kobe instinctively. Fortunately, none of the passes reach their intended target.

1.15.11

Rockets @ Hawks - Aaron Brooks and Jeff Teague discuss the banality of wearing the number zero. This becomes a one-hour special on NBA-TV.

Hornets @ Bobcats - Chris Paul demands to trade his dinner for some PF Changs. He HATES pork vindaloo. You should know this by now.

Raptors @ Wizards - One of these teams is going to be swept by the Celtics in the playoffs and the other will end up with Kyle Singler.

Kings @ Pistons - There's a pretty good chance that Greg Monroe is going to get punched by someone tonight. I won't say any names, but that someone is wearing a DeMarcus Cousins jersey.

Heat @ Bulls - Every time James Johnson burps, you can smell LeBron's balls in the air.

Mavericks @ Grizzlies - Everyone gets really concerned when DeMarre Carroll calls out sick, but Acie Law gets chewed out just for hitting the Snooze button a mere 46 times.

Magic @ Timberwolves - Dwight Howard gets banned from the Mall of America for wearing Heelys.

Cavaliers @ Nuggets - The Nuggets don't change their strategy to beat the Cavs sans-LeBron. That would involve having a strategy.

Nets @ Trail Blazers - Neither team remembers if Travis Outlaw plays for them, resulting in Outlaw switching teams each quarter.

1.16.11

Lakers @ Clippers - Loser has to lick Jimmy Goldstein's seat.

Nuggets @ Spurs - JR Smith and Birdman are seen google mapping directions to Juarez, Mexico.

1.17.11

Suns @ Knicks - Steve Nash is shocked at the state of the SoHo condo he's renting to Amar'e. USE A FUCKING COASTER.

Jazz @ Wizards - Deron Williams breaks into a rendition of "All I Do Is Win" after the game. No wait, it's DJ Khaled. I THINK.

Bulls @ Grizzlies - Joakim Noah shows up 3 minutes before tip-off, plays the game in hiked-up sweatpants, registers a double-double, and vanishes as quickly as he came.

Bobcats @ 76ers - Michael Jordan calls Jodie Meeks up to his hotel room. Both parties end up disappointed.

Bucks @ Rockets - Jordan Hill is constantly reminded that he was drafted two picks ahead of Brandon Jennings.

Raptors @ Hornets - DeMar DeRozan throws an alley-oop to himself off the backboard while down by 16 in the 4th quarter.

Mavericks @ Pistons - Dirk drops 50 points in three quarters. The rest of the game is simulated on a Playstation 3.

Pacers @ Clippers - Blake Griffin narrowly falls short of 30 rebounds when Roy Hibbert Jr realizes he is allowed to jump.

Kings @ Hawks - A frustrated Tyreke Evans can't drive faster than 50mph on Atlanta's infamous Spaghetti Junction.

Nets @ Warriors - Twice David Lee has the ball stolen by his own teammates.

Magic @ Celtics - With Ray Allen out, Doc Rivers starts his son at SG. Austin Rivers finishes with 27 points and player of the game honors.

Timberwolves @ Trail Blazers - If these two teams play one more time, I swear I'm going to by some speech recognition software.

Thunder @ Lakers - Today, we are all Thunder fans.

1.18.11

Hawks @ Heat - Josh Smith is walking up the court by the second quarter and taking naps by the third.

Bobcats @ Bulls - The game is delayed for 25 minutes when Joakim Noah hides Stephen Jackson's headband in the ladies room, or as Joakim calls it "the lay deez room."

1.19.11

Suns @ Cavaliers - Garret Siler spends all game mimicking Daniel Gibson. Or maybe he was just sitting. I'm not sure.

Jazz @ Nets - While Paul Millsap registers 20 rebounds, he breaks three laptops with his outlet passes.

76ers @ Magic - Evan Turner and Hedo Turkoglu exchange shitty possessions.

Pistons @ Celtics - Kendrick Perkins has not stopped smiling since returning from injury likely due to all that Hydrocodone.

Wizards @ Bucks - The Jennings vs Wall matchup is overshadowed by Nick Young who takes more shots than both PGs combined.

Grizzlies @ Hornets - Peja Stojakovic tries to teach Trevor Ariza the art of being a chucker, but Ariza wrote the textbook.

Knicks @ Rockets - Jordan Hill revenge game, y'all!

Raptors @ Spurs - It may seem hard to believe, but one of these teams is modeled after the other.

Lakers @ Mavericks - Dirk and Pau have a spirited debate on the merits of soap. They part ways agreeing to disagree.

Thunder @ Nuggets - JR Smith gets an omelette named after him. You should not operate a motor vehicle nor heavy machinery after consuming it.

Trail Blazers @ Kings - Andre Miller is in charge of the pre-game spread. His table setting ability is described as "competent if unspectacular."

Pacers @ Warriors - A drunk Don Nelson calls out Jim O'Brien for having no qualifications besides being Dr. Jack Ramsay's son-in-law. We were all thinking it.

Timberwolves @ Clippers - While Darko is from Serbia and Nikola Pekovic is from Montenegro, it is discovered that Kosta Koufos is from "And."

1.20.11

76ers @ Bobcats - Gerald Wallace flies into the stanchion at blistering speed. Later, Gerald Wallace flies into the stanchion at blistering speed.

Mavericks @ Bulls - DeShawn Stevenson's Abaraham Lincoln tattoo returns to its home state, runs for governer, and wins.

Clippers @ Trail Blazers - Nicolas Batum elevates his game from "potential if he can stay healthy" to "potential if he can get it together."

1.21.11

Pistons @ Nets - Moving to Brooklyn still isn't going to make people want to go to games like this.

Raptors @ Magic - Raptors fans are disappointed they won't get to boo Vince Carter.

Hornets @ Hawks - Marcus Thornton's questions about Tbilisi's over the counter Tuberculosis meds make Zaza Pachulia even more uncomfortable.

Jazz @ Celtics - Kevin Garnett continues not to accept responsibility for destroying Al Jefferson's soul.

Bucks @ Cavaliers - Ersan Ilyasova mistakes Anderson Varajao for a warewolf and a centuries old battle is reignited.

Suns @ Wizards - Carbon dating determines Grant Hill is older than the Horseshoe Crab.

Rockets @ Grizzlies - Reigning D-League MVP, Mike Harris, showcases his skills at wearing button-ups.

Knicks @ Spurs - Tony Parker drives hard to the injured list; draws the foul.

Lakers @ Nuggets - Colorado fans really don't seem to like Kobe Bryant for some reason. Must be his choice of attire.

Kings @ Warriors - Paul Westphal kinda wishes he was back at Pepperdine.

1.22.11

Hawks @ Bobcats - Paul Silas waits until now to introduce himself to Kwame.

Mavericks @ Nets - Kris Humphries becomes the first person to actually ask DeShawn Stevenson what the fuck is wrong with him.

Celtics @ Wizards - Kevin Garnett beats his chest so hard, he breaks three ribs.

Suns @ Pistons - Vince Carter vs Tracy McGrady just as you imagined it.

Raptors @ Heat - A combined 9 players from both teams get DUI's.

Jazz @ 76ers - The Jazz have come for Spencer Hawes, but it's cool cuz the Sixers are not trying to put up a fight.

Cavaliers @ Bulls - Nobody is more happy that LeBron left Cleveland than James Johnson.

Spurs @ Hornets - David West battles valiantly to not answer questions about Chris Paul.

Knicks @ Thunder - Ronny Turiaf and Serge Ibaka just chase each other aimlessly for the entire 48 minutes and stoppages.

Magic @ Rockets - Despite being listed at 6-feet, Jameer Nelson and Aaron Brooks are both exactly 4'11" (with shoes on).

Grizzlies @ Bucks - OJ Mayo tells Brandon Jennings he should've went to college. It pays way better.

Pacers @ Trail Blazers - Larry Bird makes Dahntay Jones get his tattoos removed; suggests a cheese grater.

Warriors @ Clippers - The Clippers' backcourt dominates in the pre-game beard contest.

1.23.11

Pacers @ Nuggets - Have the Colts choked yet? If not, everyone is watching that game.

1.24.11

Cavaliers @ Nets - Candace Parker replaces her brother, Anthony on the Cavs; is easily the best player on either team.

Pistons @ Magic - Patrick Ewing's John Thompson impersonation is way better than Greg Monroe's. Long way to go, rook.

Suns @ 76ers - Evan Turner asks Steve Nash for an autograph during a possession.

Grizzlies @ Raptors - Jose Calderon turns a 3-on-1 fastbreak into a 3-on-5 fastbreak with the power of indecisiveness.

Wizards @ Knicks - Spike Lee casts Nick Young in He Got Game 2: Game Harder. Not because Young can ball, but because he can pass for Ray Allen's son.

Bucks @ Bulls - Drew Gooden wonders aloud why he didn't work out with the Bulls as he reclines In a giant inflatable Spongebob chair while sipping a Capri Sun he pierced through the bottom.

Rockets @ Timberwolves - Kevin Martin continues to lead the league in non-descriptness.

Thunder @ Hornets - James Harden wants some more cranial-flair to complement his headband, beard, and frohawk. He can't decide between the eyepatch or the upside-down/backwards visor.

Kings @ Trail Blazers - Due to Tyreke Evans' court imposed travel restrictions, the game is played on the California/Oregon border. Yreka defeats Medford 105-98.

Spurs @ Warriors - Enamored with their brand of basketball, Manu Ginobili pleads for a trade to the Warriors. Rethinks it. Then apologizes to his teammates.

1.25.11

Nuggets @ Wizards - Welcome to within 50 miles of home, Carmelo. No, not Denver. No, not New York either. Yes, the hell hole. Thanks.

Cavaliers @ Celtics - Mo Williams dunks on Paul Pierce again; loses by 36.

Clippers @ Mavericks - Blake Griffin pulls down 15 offensive rebounds exclusively off Randy Foye jumpers.

Bobcats @ Kings - Tyrus Thomas and DeMarcus Cousins spend most of the game barking at each other. Literally barking.

Jazz @ Lakers - Utah fans are not going to be happy when they find out Derek Fisher is actually 212 lbs and NOT his listed 210. You fucking dishonest piece of shit.

1.26.11

Magic @ Pacers - Chris Duhon and JJ Redick try to ice Jeff Foster but Foster reverse ices them both. That's a veteran move right there.

Grizzlies @ Nets - If anyone can hear whispers of a trade it's Jordan Farmar and his comically large ears.

76ers @ Raptors - Sonny Weems dribbles a crater into the floor.

Nuggets @ Pistons - Will Bynum is charged with another nightclub hit-and-run, but to be fair he hit a bird/man.

Hawks @ Bucks - Brandon Jennings won't stop smiling. It's kind of driving Josh Smith crazy. Well, crazier.

Thunder @ Timberwolves - The battle of Interstate 35. You heard me, San Antonio.

Clippers @ Rockets - Aaron Brooks and Al-Farouq Aminu compare hipster glasses. Disagree on the optimal skinniness of jeans.

Bobcats @ Suns - The battle for psychological advantage goes too far when DJ Augustin awakes to find Jared Dudley standing at the foot of his bed in a clown mask.

Spurs @ Jazz - Gregg Popovich and Jerry Sloan make a sideline reporter cry.

Hornets @ Warriors - David West and David Lee conspire to rebound each others' misses for an entire half.

1.27.11

Heat @ Knicks - When asked if he ever considered teaming up with LeBron, Amar'e replies "Why? Did he say anything about me?"

Rockets @ Mavericks - Shane Battier spends half an hour trying to explain Net Neutrality to his teammates.

Celtics @ Trail Blazers - The Blazers play a different lineup every time the clock stops and don't repeat a set until the 3rd quarter. They lose by 12.

1.28.11

Nets @ Pacers - Troy Murphy calls out his former team for not adhering to Central time. What's your problem, most-of-Indiana?

Grizzlies @ 76ers - Fun Fact: Zach Randolph owns a walkman.

Bucks @ Raptors - DeMar DeRozan justifies being drafted one pick ahead of Brandon Jennings by directly causing the Raptors to get a better draft pick in subsequent years.

Knicks @ Hawks - The Knicks introduce Stephon Marbury as a Team Consultant. First order of business? Convince Eddy Curry to jump bail LIVE ON USTREAM.

Nuggets @ Cavaliers - Mo Williams and Jawad Williams discover they have matching "Will 2 Win" tattoos. Awkward (but not as awkward as the fact Jawad Williams hasn't been on the team in months. Oops).

Pistons @ Heat - Biggest Free Agency haul of 2009 vs Biggest Free Agency haul of 2010. Great job with that one, Joe Dumars.

Magic @ Bulls - Every time Quentin Richardson does his antlers celebration, Darius Miles sheds a tear. A tear from his knee... it's a pretty serious condition.

Wizards @ Thunder - Goddamnit, Durant. How many obscure Wale mixtape interludes do we have to put you on before you'll come to DC?

Timberwolves @ Jazz - Though he's been off crutches for almost 5 months, Jonny Flynn insists on doing his workouts in the pool or hot tub (preferably).

Celtics @ Suns - Delonte West is a big fan of Arizona's gun laws (or lack thereof). He still travels with the team, right?

Bobcats @ Warriors - Stephen Jackson establishes he's the most intimidating person named "Stephen" in the world. Stephen Curry agrees.

Kings @ Lakers - Theo Ratliff and Samuel Dalembert battle in the low-post. Nazr Mohammed, Dikembe Mutombo, and Aaron McKie were given the night off.

1.29.11

Pacers @ Bulls - Danny Granger casually inquires about the cost of real estate in the area. Oh nothing, just curious.

Wizards @ Grizzlies - John Wall has already played Memphis more times than he did in college.

Raptors @ Timberwolves - Amir Johnson discovers Beaver Island on his GPS while flying over Lake Michigan. Johnson is unable to concentrate until Michael Beasley tells him it's not what he thinks it is.

Hawks @ Mavericks - Al Horford has 20 and 10 but doesn't get mentioned in a single game recap. Such is the life of Al Horford.

Nets @ Bucks - Either Andruw Bogut does a great Prokhorov impersonation or he has a harem. Likely both.

Rockets @ Spurs - Loser has to invite Mark Cuban to a Texas Independence Day dinner party.

Hornets @ Kings - Chris Paul dispenses some terrible advice to Tyreke Evans.

Bobcats @ Clippers - Blake Griffin justifies his #1 pick status by playing better than Kwame Brown. At least that's all anyone brings up around Michael Jordan.

1.30.11

Heat @ Thunder - The Durantula feasts on the Human Centipede.

Celtics @ Lakers - The return of Kendrick Perkins proves conclusively that neither team is the same team they were the year before thus proving nothing at all.

Cavaliers @ Magic - Jameer Nelson introduces himself as "Ja Gotti" to great laughter by everyone except Mo Williams.

Nuggets @ 76ers - George Karl's comeback is the inspirational opposite of Doug Collins' comeback.

Pistons @ Knicks - Tonight, the role of Ronny Turiaf will be played by Ben Wallace.

Hornets @ Suns - After Chris Paul throws a pass between Steve Nash's legs, Nash responds by throwing a pass off Chris Paul's contract extension. Advantage: Nash.

Jazz @ Warriors - Monta Ellis is found in violation of his contract when he injures himself on a pogo-stick.

1.31.11

Raptors @ Pacers - With Danny Granger out with a minor injury, Team Full-of-Project-Players narrowly loses to Team Full-of-Project-Players.

Nuggets @ Nets - Mikhail Prokhorov courts Carmelo Anthony by suggesting they go to Chili's, rent a romantic comedy, and see where the night takes them. Oops, spilled some wine on your shirt, Melo. Here, lemme get that.

Cavaliers @ Heat - Byron Scott takes comfort in knowing that if he had LeBron, he'd have lost control of the team by now anyways. So take that, Heat. In your face.

Magic @ Grizzlies - Brandon Bass and Quentin Richardson anoint their tandem "The BBQ." The BBQ gets a DNP.

Wizards @ Mavericks - Josh Howard thought he was just being grounded this whole time and tries to return to the Mavericks (who have since changed the locks).

Bobcats @ Jazz - Either Stephen Jackson really likes Cee-Lo or he really likes saying "Fuck You." Probably both.

Bucks @ Clippers - Sports Science concludes that Brandon Jennings doesn't adhere to the laws of Sports nor Science.