December Previews

12.21.10

Nets @ Grizzlies - Michael Heisley gets Mikhail Prokhorov to broker the sale of the Grizzlies to Zangeif from Super Street Fighter II. Zangeif backs out, wanting nothing to do with those unsavory characters.

Mavericks @ Magic - Mark Cuban wants to know whats up with that Brandon Bass you guys took from him in 2009.

76ers @ Bulls - Joakim Noah doesn't believe Marreese Speights was on his 2006 National Championship team no matter how many pictures Marreese shows him.

Thunder @ Bobcats - A Costa Rican scientist discovers an actual Durantula. Appropriately, it was feeding on Geraldus Wallascarab, more commonly known as the "Crash Beetle."

Warriors @ Kings - One of these teams will emerge as possibly the 2nd best in the state. POSSIBLY.

Bucks @ Lakers - Derek Fisher is getting too old for this shit. Book em', Kobe.

12.22.10

Cavaliers @ Hawks - Jason Collins defects to Cleveland. The Hawks don't notice for 2 weeks.

Pistons @ Raptors - Rodney Stuckey's Italian impresses Andrea Bargnani. He attributes it to hours playing Assassin's Creed: Brotherhood.

Bulls @ Wizards - I had a "Gilbert gets jumped by the Secret Service" joke ready to go here. Damnit. I miss him already.

76ers @ Celtics - Jrue Holiday and Rajon Rondo become partners in a shooting jumpers company. No longer do they have no business shooting jumpers.

Thunder @ Knicks - Amar'e Stoudemire proves to be the best player in this game making over $100 million.

Jazz @ Timberwolves - Al Jefferson returns to Minneapolis and starts limping out of habit.

Nets @ Hornets - Not content with owning the Hornets, the NBA begins offering sub-prime mortgages.

Nuggets @ Spurs - Gregg Popovich calls a timeout 45 seconds into the game just to berate Richard Jefferson. To be fair, Jefferson totally deserved it.

Rockets @ Clippers - Chase Budinger jumps over Rasual Butler, lands on Yao Ming's foot.

12.23.10

Spurs @ Magic - Both Tony Parker and JJ Reddick show up wearing pink polos. David Stern immediately rescinds the dress code.

Bucks @ Kings - Keeping with his career average, Antoine Wright connects on 40% of his high-fives tonight.

Heat @ Suns - Gani Lawal pulls down 17 rebounds, thusly proving that he doesn't understand Suns basketball at all.

12.24.10

Nate Robinson spends all day assembling toys in Shaq's workshop.

12.25.10

Bulls @ Knicks - Landry Fields and James Johnson spend all game boxing out players who are already running back on defense. Usually each other.

Celtics @ Magic - Paul Pierce dreams of a pump fake and Vince Carter jumps out of bed, hurts himself, and misses the game. This is more astounding when you consider that Vince Carter nothing to do with this game.

Heat @ Lakers - This is a preview of the finals; apocalypse.

Nuggets @ Thunder - Down by 11 at the half, the Nuggets finally trade Carmelo.

Trail Blazers @ Warriors - Nate McMillan is so full of Christmas cheer, it's collecting at the corners of his mouth. Gross.

12.26.10

Suns @ Clippers - Matt Janning extends his contract as tech support for the Suns.

Timberwolves @ Cavaliers - Ramon Sessions' revenge game sees him score 26 points and get the win in triple-OT in the most boring overtime game conceivable.

Bulls @ Pistons - Joakim Noah has some strong opinions about the city of Detroit. Some strong opinions, indeed.

Grizzlies @ Pacers - Rudy Gay has a nice long talk with Danny Granger about contract extensions. Granger is later seen packing his belongings.

Hawks @ Hornets - Apparently Chris Paul doesn't want to play for Atlanta. Jeez, someone can hold a grudge.

Wizards @ Spurs - Gary Neal is pressed into action with Gregg Popovich's controversial tactic to "fight fire with Gary Neal."

76ers @ Nuggets - Willie Green slips into depression upon realizing this is his 8th season with the 76ers.

12.27.10

Pistons @ Bobcats - Spencer Hawes back-to-the-bench game shows steady improvement through the second half.

Magic @ Nets - Gilbert Arenas watches a marathon of Dexter; won't stop narrating his life aloud.

Raptors @ Grizzlies - I'm not going to lie. I don't give a shit about this game.

Hawks @ Bucks - Al Horford actually has a phobia of deer and doesn't get why fans are so cruel.

Hornets @ Timberwolves - Michael Beasley only passes the ball to the left hand side.

Mavericks @ Thunder - This preview made me google the whereabouts of Tim Thomas.

Wizards @ Rockets - Donning his hipster glasses, Aaron Brooks does the John Wall dance. It's okay because he was doing it sarcastically.

Trail Blazers @ Jazz - Wesley Matthews greets his old team with some pretty firm handshakes. Take that, you guys.

Clippers @ Kings - The Governator is in attendance, seemingly sparking Baron Davis to run in circles shouting "Get to the choppa!" This is completely unrelated, as Davis does this every game.

76ers @ Warriors - Charlie Bell finishes the game with more tweets than minutes played.

12.28.10

Magic @ Cavaliers - Cleveland fans don't wait until the playoffs to cheer for Orlando.

Celtics @ Pacers - Luke Harangody looks across the court to the Pacers' bench and is overcome with a sense of comfort and familiarity he hasn't felt since he was back in South Bend.

Knicks @ Heat - Pat Riley can barely conceal his erection. Gross.

Bucks @ Bulls - The effectiveness and vision of Derrick Rose and Brandon Jennings are neutralized after they spend all night watching regular shit with 3D glasses on.

Raptors @ Mavericks - Resident Wikipedian, Shawn Marion, informs his teammates that a velociraptor was actually the size of a goose.

Lakers @ Spurs - Lamar Odom is late to the game after some rustlers took Khloe during the night.

Trail Blazers @ Nuggets - For insurance purposes, Greg Oden and Nene aren't allowed within 50 feet of each other, a basketball, a flight of stairs, or un-cushioned furniture.

12.29.10

Warriors @ Hawks - David Lee and Al Horford , both former Gators, agree to steer clear of Tebow in their keeper leagues.

Cavaliers @ Bobcats - Antawn Jamison asks to go home and finish his career with the Bobcats. Dan Gilbert responds by calling Jamison a coward and flinging feces at him.

Pacers @ Wizards - Andray Blatche, Rashard Lewis, and Yi Jianlian start a doo-wop group called the Square Pegs.

Celtics @ Pistons - Nate Robinson starts in place of Jahvid Best for the Lions. Nate finishes with 150 yards and 16 personal fouls for unsportsmanlike conduct.

Nuggets @ Timberwolves - Renaldo Balkman checks into the game with the sole task of punching Michael Beasley in the dick.

Lakers @ Hornets - Kobe scores 45 points in a loss and the yearly "Kobe is too selfish" headlines emerge again.

Nets @ Thunder - In an effort to improve morale, the Nets' equipment manager begins spiking the Gatorade with Zoloft.

Heat @ Rockets - Yao Ming reminds Pat Riley that he's a free agent next summer.

76ers @ Suns - Andre Iguodala returns to the University of Arizona to give the eulogy for the Wildcats' men's basketball team.

Grizzlies @ Kings - Omri Casspi and Hamed Haddidi get along just fine, thank you.

Jazz @ Clippers - Blake Griffin and Al Jefferson fight inside the smoky caldera of an active volcano. The winner lives to fight another day.

12.30.10
Knicks @ Magic - Amare Stoudemire & Anthony Randolph discover they have just enough wingspan to play keep-away with a frustrated Jameer Nelson.

Spurs @ Mavericks - One of these teams will be regular season champs of the west. Adorable.

Jazz @ Trail Blazers - Dr. James Andrews appears to be salivating while courtside.

12.31.10

Hornets @ Celtics - Kevin Garnett and Emeka Okafor compare vertical leaps. Big Baby wins.

Warriors @ Bobcats - Stephen Curry goes 9/9 in the first half before being benched for giving Monta Ellis bad vibes.

Wizards @ Pacers - Roy Hibbert Jr finds JaVale McGee to be a formidable adversary, joining other formidable adversaries like low ceilings and two-seaters.

Nets @ Bulls - Mikhail Prokhorov and Oprah make it rain on Jay-Z. I think a basketball game is also being played.

Raptors @ Rockets - Raptors restore respectability upon ruining reticent Rockets on the road rabidly, rendering Rockets roadkill.

Hawks @ Thunder - Josh Smith leaves his business card with Sam Presti. By "business card," I mean brick with a note tied to it.

Pistons @ Suns - A sympathetic Rip Hamilton donates his facemask to Steve Nash who replies that there is nothing wrong with his face.

76ers @ Lakers - Can we hurry things up? Ron Artest has got a party to go to.

What Had Happened Was

Sorry for the unscheduled hiatus. Some pulmonary issues grounded me for the better part of the past two weeks. As a result, I've missed two weeks of good basketball, great pictures, and a few significant Wizards' home games. During that period, the blog did go down for a day. This was not copyright or content related, I just need to diversify my passwords better.

I intend to bring myself back into the loop as quickly as possible (thanks to the blogosphere and a DVR). I'll be skipping out on tonight's Wizards/Bobcats to get some rest and get back into my League Pass + Captions routine.

Being sick compounded with having to quit smoking means I'm probably not staying up for those Western Conference games this week. Apologies if I miss a timely Vince Carter joke or something.

I think I need to do something about this "tonight's preview" nonsense. Too often, I've used those posts in substitution of captions. It was one of those ideas that seemed good in the off-season. I wrote previews for every game until February 16th, so I don't think I want to waste them. However, they are becoming increasingly outdated and I end up having to rewrite every mention of Traded-Player-X or Cut-Player-Y (if I even catch it at all). I'm just going to post the whole thing for those curious, and the rest of us will pretend it never happened.

Lastly, thanks for sticking with me. If it weren't for the comments/emails/tweets, I'd have been content to let this blog become someone else's problem for the time being.

/throwback

Tonight's Preview

Nuggets @ Knicks - Finally the big trade happens between these two teams. That's right, Anthony Carter for Eddy Curry.

Hornets @ 76ers - Doug Collins mentions he'd love a whole team of Andres Nocionis. All funding for cloning research worldwide is immediately halted.

Lakers @ Nets - Jordan Farmar instinctively throws seven passes to Kobe. Fortunately, none of the passes reach their intended target.

Trail Blazers @ Spurs - Assistant coach Bernie Bickerstaff causes a stir when he uses Greg Oden as a coat rack.

Cavaliers @ Thunder - Clay Bennett suggests to Dan Gilbert that now would be the best time to move the team to Little Rock.

Magic @ Clippers - It takes Dwight Howard only 16 rides to confirm that Space Mountain is way better at Disney Land than at Disney World.

Tonight's Preview

Grizzlies @ Clippers - Ryan Gomes is both surprised and disappointed to learn he is on the Clippers.

Pacers @ Hawks - Larry Bird makes a trade offer for Zaza Pachulia but quickly retracts it when he finds out Zaza is European.

Celtics @ Bobcats - Shaq shows up for the game in a Hitler mustache. Not to take a shot at Jordan, but to reinforce his new nickname: the Shaqtator.

Raptors @ Pistons - Amir Johnson torches his old team. Literally. Amir should not be allowed near matches.

Timberwolves @ Bulls - Luol Deng cements his status as team Captain by renting a boat.

Jazz @ Mavericks - Never has there been as many veiled cocaine references in an NBA game until Tim Thomas and DeShawn Stevenson get into an "I Can't Feel My Face" gesture contest.

Cavaliers @ Rockets - Having been on vacation all summer, Rick Adelman spends all day game-planning for LeBron.

Heat @ Kings - Francisco Garcia is subpoenaed to testify at Rick Pitino's extortion trial. Not knowing the court-appropriate term, he says "beej" about 12 times.

Tonight's Preview

Bobcats @ Pacers - Danny Granger schools Kwame Brown on the "Cycle of Abuse." Kwame promises to leave Michael Jordan but never does.

Nuggets @ Raptors - Birdman manages to smuggle 3 kilo's of Blueberry Kush past customs back to Denver. His secret? Hiding it in Anthony Carter.

Knicks @ Wizards - After visiting the Holocaust Museum, Amar'e Stoudemire tries to show his respects with a numerical tattoo. This doesn't go over very well.

Lakers @ Bulls - Fun fact: The Bulls and Lakers got their names from the 1991 Sega Genesis game.

Pistons @ Mavericks - Alex Ajinca chills the lockerroom bumping "Immobilarity" on his iPod.

Thunder @ Hornets - Trevor Ariza rises to the challenge, assesses the challenge, and politely asks if he can change his mind about the challenge.

Rockets @ Bucks - Brad Miller shoots a mascot. In Miller's defense, Bango the Buck was coming right at him.

Hawks @ Spurs - The Spurs' Ryan Richards (English) and the Hawks' Pape Sy (French) would make this game somewhat interesting if they weren't being stashed overseas.

Trail Blazers @ Suns - The Suns regret not signing Scotty Reynolds when an injury to a ball boy leaves the staff short-handed.

Magic @ Jazz - Al Jefferson decides to go with a pick-and-pop instead of rolling to the hoop. Jerry Sloan calls back-to-back timeouts and doesn't utter a word in either of them. Instead, choosing to stare disdainfully.

Heat @ Warriors - Twitter informs Chris Bosh that he should be following LeBron and Dwyane Wade. Everybody LOLs.