Thursday, July 29, 2010

Don't Draft Me - Quarterbacks

Football season is coming up, and with it Fantasy Football. Here's a quick guide to why the Quarterback you're planning to take is a terrible idea.

Drew Brees - Saints
Is a "severed-finger-while-scrubbing-a-sea-turtle" injury waiting to happen.

Peyton Manning - Colts

Aaron Rodgers - Packers
Was drafted 23 picks after Alex Smith. One day, we're all going to find out why.

Phillip Rivers - Chargers
His constant dickpunching has led Vincent Jackson to the bottle.

Tom Brady - Patriots
Gone Hollywood. Has a stuntman take all 3rd down snaps.

Matt Schaub - Texans
Yeah, like he's going to play all 16 games again.

Tony Romo - Cowboys
Because this exists.

Brett Favre- Vikings
Shucks. I reckon I'll be back in two shakes of a sheep's tail. *slaps closest butt in proximity, rifles a 9 yard fingerbreaker, slaps another butt*

Joe Flacco - Ravens
He can throw a football through the goalposts from the 50-yard line WHILE ON HIS KNEES. Unfortunately, this does not translate into fantasy points.

Eli Manning - Giants
He's not even the best Quarterback in his own family.

Jay Cutler - Bears
Combine 5 parts of crappy pass protection with 1 mopey douchebag lacking any semblance of fundamentals and you get a 26 interception soufflé.

Kevin Kolb - Eagles
Would you want to be the only one between Mike Vick and a starting job? Don't accept any party invites, Kevin.

Matt Ryan - Falcons
Continuing to progress one 4-yard completion at a time.

Donovan McNabb - Redskins
McRibb behind shaky pass protection means Rex Grossman is starting by week 8.

Carson Palmer - Bengals
The Ocho Cinco / Terrell Owens Double Rainbow would be great if Carson Palmer had thrown a downfield pass since his elbow died in 2008.

Ben Roethlisberger - Steelers
You don't get points for that kind of non-consensual scoring.

Chad Henne - Dolphins
It will be a minor miracle if Brandon Marshall hasn't hit him with a brick by Thanksgiving.

Vince Young - Titans
Vince might throw upwards of 12 TDs this year... so there's that.

Matt Stafford - Lions
His 8 interceptions in the final three games shows improvement. Improvement at throwing interceptions.

David Garrard - Jaguars
At what point does a stopgap cease being a stopgap? Apparently not after a 14 fumble season.

Jason Campbell - Raiders
Imagine what Captain Checkdown will do when playing with Darius Heyward-Bey.

Mark Sanchez - Jets
What? The league-low 24 attempts per game or the fact he somehow threw 20 interceptions while doing it?

Alex Smith - 49ers
THIS is the make or break year for Alex Smith. Not the previous 3 crappy years.

Matt Leinart - Cardinals
If you draft a Quarterback with a popped-collar, you deserve everything that happens to you.

Matt Cassel - Chiefs
Oh... so playing for the Chiefs is much more difficult than playing for the Patriots. Crap.

Matt Hasselbeck - Seahawks
Matt is coming off the worst season (starting a majority of games) of his career. Let's make him learn a new system!

Kyle Orton - Broncos
Tim Tebow and Brady Quinn are going to make QB meetings fucking insufferable. I'm drinking some Jack Daniels just thinking about it.

Jake Delhomme - Browns
See: 2009, 2008. Now subtract Steve Smith.

Josh Freeman - Buccaneers
Showed great accuracy on his interceptions.

Matt Moore - Panthers
Will start the first 6 games of the season, get replaced by Jimmy Clausen in Week 7, and then replace a benched-Clausen in Week 14. Steve Smith will be taking direct-snaps from center by the end of the season.

Sam Bradford - Rams
His tremendous accuracy will be utilized well in handing the ball off to Steven Jackson 32 times a game.

Trent Edwards - Bills
Chan Gailey loves the Pistol. Trent Edwards sucks in the shotgun (more than usual). This should end hilariously.

Mike Vick - Eagles
As a Virginia resident, it doesn't behoove me to say anything negative about Mike Vick nor his associates.

Tim Tebow - Broncos
Your league has a roster spot for Fullbacks?


  1. So your sleeper is Charlie Whitehurst? Interesting.

  2. Two for the Eagles? Hmmm. I wouldn't take an invite from Vick either, wonder why Reid did...
    McRibb. Ha.

    Tim Tebow is starting This Year?

    Rough on Cutler, eh? I can't be.... he has Type 1 Diabetes. Not an excuse, I know. :-) He can't pass even with the Touchdowns for Diabetes motivation.