Grizzlies @ Clippers - Ryan Gomes is both surprised and disappointed to learn he is on the Clippers.
Pacers @ Hawks - Larry Bird makes a trade offer for Zaza Pachulia but quickly retracts it when he finds out Zaza is European.
Celtics @ Bobcats - Shaq shows up for the game in a Hitler mustache. Not to take a shot at Jordan, but to reinforce his new nickname: the Shaqtator.
Raptors @ Pistons - Amir Johnson torches his old team. Literally. Amir should not be allowed near matches.
Timberwolves @ Bulls - Luol Deng cements his status as team Captain by renting a boat.
Jazz @ Mavericks - Never has there been as many veiled cocaine references in an NBA game until Tim Thomas and DeShawn Stevenson get into an "I Can't Feel My Face" gesture contest.
Cavaliers @ Rockets - Having been on vacation all summer, Rick Adelman spends all day game-planning for LeBron.
Heat @ Kings - Francisco Garcia is subpoenaed to testify at Rick Pitino's extortion trial. Not knowing the court-appropriate term, he says "beej" about 12 times.